UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS WITH GWAR’S DAVE BROCKIE: A WEEK OF UPSETS + THE SKINS ARE UNDEFEATED
Greetings sports and metal fans everywhere, and welcome back to the glory of football! That’s right, the world’s greatest sport is back and men everywhere are heaving a collective sigh of relief. No more Sundays at the mall, or like, hanging out with your family or something. NO! Our butts are attached to our favorite butt-supporting device, and we will not be moved! Bring me chips, woman! Honey? Where did you go?
Before we start our coverage let me first of all say that football is so awesome that we stole the name of the world’s most popular sport and used it for ours, and then insisted they were wrong. That makes Europeans mad. Well, let them be mad! They can go fight it out at the gay SOCCER match. And actually they do, as some of those European soccer hooligans can be pretty nasty. Isn’t it funny that a sport that is so gay (soccer), and has such a gay name (soccer), attracts such violent followers? Over compensation, I do believe. But on to American FOOTBALL.
Anybody who knows me knows I am a big Redskins fan. But when they asked me to do this column they were very clear… I have to cover the whole league! Shit, that’s a lot of teams, and I hate most of them. Generally speaking, the further west you go, the more I hate the team, with the exception of the Raiders, who I always liked (because of the cool uniform). But I don’t have another “favorite team” or even a second favorite… I believe you get one team and you stick with them ’til the end! And considering that I am a Skins fan, those are not easy words to live by. OK, lets get to the action!
Week one in the NFL was a weekend of upsets as a couple of perennial play-off dwellers ran into trouble early. Pittsburgh got crushed 35-7 by the Baltimore Ravens, two teams I can’t stand. Every time I see Ray Lewis doing his idiotic dance I can’t help but wonder if he did the same thing over that dude that his entourage beat up and then stabbed to death a few years back. And of course any time Ben Rapist-burger loses I am glad… if only there was a way for both teams to lose. Maybe the team buses could crash into each other and explode. Is that bad?
The other shocker was the 34-7 drubbing the Indianapolis Colts received at the hands of the Houston Texans, who have the distinction of having the stupidest name in the NFL. I mean, the only way it could be stupider was if it was if it was the Texas Houstons! The Colts without Peyton Manning are nothing, and they have ridden that horse into the ground. It’s looking more and more like Peyton is out for a long time, but they still won’t say what the hell is wrong with him. Something to do with his neck surgery… well, how do you have surgery on something that didn’t exist to begin with? Maybe it was a neck IMPLANT. But his body, so used to not having one, completely rejected it, even though they disguised it as a Gatorade commercial. Maybe if Peyton Manning had spent a little more time conditioning his non-existent neck, and a little less doing every single stupid commercial his agent could get for him, the Colts season wouldn’t be in the shitter right now.
The last big upset was the 28-14 beat down handed to the New York Giants by the Washington Redskins at Fed Ex Field. The Skins have played some pretty crappy football as of late, and owner Dan Snyder hasn’t helped much by trying to get every worn-out superstar from Deion to Donovan on the team. But with Mike Shanahan on board, and a messy re-building season behind them, the Skins looked sharp behind the much-maligned Rex Grossman. I remember watching Rex play for the Bears and thinking to myself, “man, the Skins might suck, but at least we don’t have THAT dude playing for us.” Funny how life works out!
In other NFL action, the New York Jets used some 9/11 inspiration to come from behind and beat the Dallas Cowboys, who can’t seem to win much in that big old stadium Jerry Jones built for them and hoped that their game in New York might have changed their luck. But that was not to be as Romo the Homo gave the game away, much in the same way he gave away his male sexuality. Green Bay and Aaron Rogers looked really good in a 42-34 defeat of the New Orleans Saints, who are still trying to get back the form that took them to the Super Bowl two years ago. There were a bunch of other games, but I don’t really care about them.
Well, that was my first sports column. Not bad! We’ll see how pathetic it can get after the Skins start tanking. See ya next week, football fans!
– Dave Brockie
