A**HOLES IN DESIGN THE SKYLINE KICK OUT THEIR BASSIST B/C HE IS 16 WTF

BREAKING NEWS: Victory Records sensations DESIGN THE SKYLINE have parted ways with their bassist, Ethan. Information is sketchy thusfar, but here’s what we know via his Tumblr (lulzy parts highlighted in bold):

So my asshole band members just kicked me out because im 16. Ive worked so hard in this band ive done alot i drove all the way to chicago with them to get signed i made 2 music videos with them i do nothing wrong. And were going on our first tour in about 2 weeks. And there just dropping me like that. Nothing ever goes well for me in my life not school not relationships and finially i get in a band ive loved music my whole life and we finially get signed a dream come true and now ive lost that. I feel like that once in a life time chance had finally come and now its just gone like that cause my band members are fucking heartless. They know what shit ive been through but there just selfish. Now i feel like my life isnt worth living im just a normal ass person like ive always been and that sucks, i was so excited to see what tour is like and get to go to europe and see beautiful places on this earth. I cant even type right right now im shaking im so scared and mad and idk its an intense feeling i just broke a mirror with my hand and im bleeding i feel stupid. wtf is wrong with me. nothing goes well for me and this is just like assuring me nothing else ever will.. omg im freaking out. a;sdkjf;f FUCK man. i hope NONE of you guys have problems like this in yalls lives i hope you all live amazing wonderful happy lives no one deserves this but apparently i do for some fucked up reason..

AFTER THE BREAK, the tl;dr version…

Cliffs:

• This bro is sad because he got kicked out DESIGN THE SKYLINE, ostensibly because he is 16 years old
• Is so scared and mad that he broke a mirror with his hand; is now bleeding and feels scared, stupid
• Writes like an IRL version of my “idiot teenager on the internet” persona, lulzy grammatical errors and all
• Band got signed by Victory without ever touring
• Band made two music videos without ever touring
• Band recorded album without ever touring
• Does not wish any of yalls to have the problems that he does
• He always follows back :D

Select replies from his Tumblr followers (ps don’t forget to FOLLOW MY TUMBLR):

I didn’t take the time to click through, but I am 100% certain that most of these commenters are smashable jailbait, and my advice is this: you only have two more years to smash these bishes without going to prison for it. Not only that, but you can only trick a girl into pity-fucking you for so long… THE CLOCK IS TICKING, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR BRAH?!!

Which part of his Tumblr bio do you like the best, “meditation,” “alchemy,” or “aura cleansing”?? When is he going to delete “full time musician” from his bio? Do most labels these days sign bands who have never toured???? What would you give to go back in time to when you could smash jailbait without getting a visit from Chris Matthews?????

-Sergeant D.

Sergeant D. smashes bishes every day at Stuff You Will Hate.