25 THINGS I’D RATHER DO THAN LISTEN TO THE NEW FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH SONG
1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent
11) Edit a guest blog written by Pig Benis
12) Produce a duet between Joey Belladonna and James LaBrie
13) Produce a duet between Johnny Plague and Frankie Emmure
14) Produce a duet between Edsel Dope and Wayne Static
15) Be Oderus Urungus’ codpiece for one year
16) Attempt to keep a straight face while telling Morbid Angel that the synths on their new album sound tremendous, just tremendous
17) Convince Scott Hull to hire Rick Allen as the new drummer for Pig Destroyer
18) Christmas dinner with Impending Doom
19) Passover sedar with Varg Vikernes
20) Be the booker for a Ray Gillen/Gary Cherone/Dan Nelson package tour
21) Invest my life savings in the funding of a new Axl Rose record
22) Make the entire MetalSucks staff do group therapy with Phil Towle
23) Cut and paste press releases all day long
24) Accept a job as Jeff Loomis’ replacement in Nevermore
25) Your mom
-AR
