DANN HALEN (DARKEST HOUR! EX-DEP!) > VAN HALEN 2k11

No disrespect to our pal Anso DF — I mean the guy’s a ridiculously studly writer and has darn near impeccable music taste, amirite? — but a new Van Halen album is hardly worth getting excited about. I mean, ok, maybe I’ll pop a little semi-stiffy, but if the facts that Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen is friends with a member of Creed and David Lee Roth hasn’t even stepped foot in the studio doesn’t have “trouble” written all over it, then EVH also isn’t completely delusional and oh yeah, that tongue cancer was definitely caused by that metal guitar pick you use and had nothing whatsoever to do with smoking more cigarettes in an hour than a casino full of raggedy old ladies at slot machines smokes in a day. Still, ya know, I’m curiously optimistic; maybe there’ll be some sick solos.

Even if Van Halen’s 2k11 record does blow donkey balls, thankfully we’ve got Dann Halen to rock us into 2k12. The Texas-based VH cover band features Mike “Lonestar” Carrigan (Darkest Hour) on guitar, James Love (ex-Dillinger Escape Plan) on drums, Dann Miller (The Jonbenet) on screeches and leg kids, “and a couple other buddies doin it hard,” according to Sir Lonestar himself, who sent us the above video. What I love about this video — aside from the EVH-model guitar, Jack Daniels bass and HOLY SHIT NICE STARS AND STRIPES LEOTARD, DUDE! — is that Lonestar clearly did not have to learn much, if any of the guitar parts specifically for this gig; it’s clear he grew up on the stuff and knows it front to back. Because fuckin’ EDDIE VAN HALEN, mannnnnn! He’s the best metal guitar player of all time that no one ever talks about anymore.

-VN