SHIA LABEOUF TRADES GIANT ROBOTS FOR GIANT DOUCHE BAG

You all know who Shia LaBeouf is, right? He’s the incredibly irritating actor who starred in such terrible films as Transformers, Wall Street 2: Money Never Grossed, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Michael Bay, Disturbia, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Realization that Harrison Ford is Getting Way Too Old for this Shit So You’d Better Give Us Your Money Now!, Eagle Eye, and, as of this week, Transformers 3: Dark of the Fuck Yourself. (Above, watch his best performance yet, as a cranky movie star who throws some coffee at a paparazzo, and then flees.)

Well, apparently Mr. LaBeouf and his representatives sat down over the weekend, and they came to two conclusions:

• Shia’s career has too much artistic credibility.
• There are still aging franchises Shia can help ruin.

And, thus, they came to this logical conclusion: Shia should direct a documentary about the making of the new Marilyn Manson album.

According to Metal Insider, The Beef, who recently directed some music videos for some artists no one who reads this website gives a poop about, went on ABC’s Live With Regis And Kelly recently and had the following to say about The Artist Formerly Known as Brian Warner:

“He’s a real sweet guy. He’s an eccentric human being. He lives in West Hollywood above a liquor store. There’s no lights in the room. And there’s sort of these big metal doors and he opens the door and he’s in a kimono, a big pink kimono… It’s sort of like a lair. No lights, so you have to use your cellphone to guide you around… We sat and watched movies for a while…. and talked about what kind of visuals he wanted on his album. Which are all really eccentric ideas. All things I can’t really say out loud because this is morning television.”

If I was Shia’s agent, I would take fifteen seconds out my busy day to tell him that working with Manson is a terrible fucking career move, but I’m not so I can’t. And Manson obviously isn’t gonna do any such thing; he’s been sodomizing actress Evan Rachel Wood off and on since she was nineteen, so he’s no stranger to fucking the youth of Hollywood in the ass.

So I guess we’ll see how this thing comes out, although we don’t know yet if it’s going to be a bonus DVD that comes with the album, or a documentary ten people see at some festival in a couple of years, or a project which is just altogether abandoned when Shia is offered the role of Eddie Murphy’s long-lost brother in Beverly Hills Cop 4.

Marilyn Manson’s new album will be losing money for Cooking Vinyl Records sometime in the not-too-distant future.

-AR