THE ANGRY BLACK METAL ELITIST MIGHT BE MY NEW FAVORITE BLOG
Alright, so not to sound like a total dick, but people send us link to a lot of other metal blogs — and I do mean a LOT of other metal blogs — and, frankly, the vast majority of them are fucking terrible. I mean, I often can’t even make it through an entire single article, either because the writing is so bland, or because calling the writing “writing” is like calling lettuce “steak,” or both.
So I do not mean it as small praise to say that I am in-fucking-love with The Angry Black Metal Elitist (Slogan: “FUCK YOUR MALLCORE MUSICAL TASTES!”).
Here’s The Angry Black Metal Elitist on…
“In my elitist eyes Black Anvil will never be fully accepted into the black metal community for their slamcore roots. Of the people I have interviewed over the years, Black Anvil seem to appeal mostly to those who thought albums such as Machine Head’s “Burning Red” or Sepultura’s “Roots” where genre defying works of art. As witnessed during the Watain show last year, many fans showed up eager simply to begin the barbaric act of slam dancing. I stood in the back with my jaw on the floor.”
“So today I take the time to do a quick summary of a band which I am sure you have on constant rotation during the bus ride to school. The band for tonight’s elitist rant is none other than Kvelertak; which roughly translated mean ‘Stranglehold’ or ‘Small-cock Blues’. What separates this band from the other shitty black metal bands I discuss here is that the fact they play the infamous ‘Black ‘n Roll’ style sound. ‘Black ‘n Roll’ for the musically retarded is process of using non-metal riffs, screaming like a retard, and adding blast beats every ten seconds or so just to play it safe.”
“So you thought crowd surfing was annoying as fuck? Well welcome to the single most annoying feature of going to a live metal show… The mosh pit; a barbaric act of stupidity in which metal heads with small dicks jump into a circle and show the metal scene that they are worthy of being taken seriously.”
“Seeing that yesterday (or maybe two days ago) was considered ‘International Woman’s Day’ (this holiday appears to have come out of nowhere, as it is the first time I have ever heard of its existence) we will be paying tribute to the female black metal front around the world. Of course women are inferior and have done very little if anything to shape black metal, so this post will be relatively short.”
Obviously, there is some joking around taking place here; the blog’s wallpaper is a photo of a burning church, for Varg’s sake. But not since I first read Sergeant D.’s musings over at the old Metal Inquisition (R.I.P.) have I been so confused and amused at the same time. This shit is uproarious, but, no, I’m not quite sure what ABME’s actual opinions of anything are.
Which is fine! A metal website this entertaining doesn’t come along very often. Let’s hope he keeps up the good work.
Visit The Angry Black Metal Elitist here.
-AR
Thanks to Vakarm for the tip!
