IDOL REMAINS FINAL: BETTER LOCK THEM DOORS AND TURN THEM LIGHTS DOWN LOW
It’s easy to forget that the winner of American Idol is not a good singer, a sustainable product, or an interesting personality. The crowned Idol is nothing more than a flavorless, featureless zombie who most spurs votes from sofa-bound ‘Mericans and squealing little kids — each group a stronghold of high artistic standards.
So Idol is definitely not music. It’s not even good entertainment. It’s like Scooby-Doo or Mission: Impossible, in which any plot hole can be covered by a character’s sudden removal of a life-like mask; it’s ugly theater played by young adults in sweaty pursuit of suicide-averting popularity, for which they’ll mindlessly comply with any tossed-off suggestion from the Idol judges table; it seeks credibility by osmosis via guest spots for legendary musicians (and Beyoncé) who aim to plug a tour/record/book.
Where Idol excels is business. Genius. Why develop a new talent, spend untold dollars educating the public about the chump, and then lose your shirt when the market is indifferent anyway? Let the audience do the work of picking the chump, thereby empowering them with access to the star-making process and the privilege of buying the fruits of their own labor? Who knows better what the unwashed public wants better than overfed shopaholics themselves?
It all contradicts lengthy passages in Steven Tyler’s new book, in which he states that perfect pitch and technique are secondary to artistic instinct and personal flavor. It all flies in the face of decency as the audience proxy, Ryan Seacrest, probes minors about their sex lives. It all dirties the soul to watch judge Jennifer Lopez, tits pushed up to her touched-up chin, give vicarious vent to middle-aged America’s weak boner by lavishing orgasmic compliments on high school boys like some laudanum-tipsy New Orleans madam. It enrages the non-idiot as Tyler fails to deliver Aerosmith (my bottom feels unwiped) and then slims fucking “Dream On” to ninety seconds (Beyoncé got two full songs). If you must know, find your final Idol Remains recap below:
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FINALE DAY ONE
COUNTREH BOAH SCOTTY MCCREERY
Song (favorite previously performed on Idol) “Gone” Montgomery Gentry
The scoop Scotty goes big with a UIHM-packed reprise of his week 15 truck commercial jingle.
In it to win it? Big hooks and bouncing eyebrows = win!
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LAUREN THE WINNER
Song (favorite previously performed on Idol) “Flat On The Floor” Carrie Underwood
The scoop Maybe it’s nerves, maybe a low mix, maybe her injury during rehearsal, but Lauren is occasionally inaudible for her big first performance. Oh wait, it’s because her wardrobe is too fucking loud.
In it to win it? Chicken! Bwok-bwoook!
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COUNTREH BOAH SCOTTY MCCREERY
Song (picked by his idol) “Check Yes Or No” George Straight
The scoop Scotty’s hero Straight picks him a song based on a love letter to Darryl Hannah in Roxanne.
In it to win it? Scotty applies the same moves and looks no matter the mood; his popped-eyebrow surprise alternates with knowing glares to suggest that he’s got a fishing lure stuck up his ass.
LAUREN THE WINNER
Song (picked by her idol) “Maybe It Was Memphis” Pam Tillis
The scoop Yeah, I miss the Grizzlies too. ZBO 4 LIFE.
In it to win it? Hey it’s a 16-year old girl with her boobs popping out. Praise Jesus.
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JUDGES TABLE (digest version)
Randy Jackson “Yo, dog. I was like, yo. I used to play with Journey and y’all were killin’ it! Yo. They in it to win it, Ryan!”
‘Fer-‘Pez “Um, uhh, that’s what real singers do, sweetie. Sometimes Jennifer Lopez sings like that for 20,000 people!”
Steven Tyler “Lauren gets my vote on the basis of her vagina.”
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COUNTREH BOAH SCOTTY MCCREERY
Song (his first single): “I Love You This Big”
The scoop Wow. This song conveys little else than that Scotty is a wuss — part-wimp, and part-pussy.
In it to win it? Remember Alec Baldwin’s wisdom in Glengarry Glen Ross: ABM, Always Be Modulating
Steven Tyler sez “You know you can’t make a three-pointer from under the net dibble-dee. You are a star and you shone tonight shooble-dee. Skiddly-biddly those were my footprints, Scotty; I was carrying you. Hey-eee shoo-bah-puh-doo-bah!”
LAUREN THE WINNER
Song (his first single): “Like My Mother Does”
The scoop This song goes out to Lauren’s mom, who was there for the young singer at every stage of the Idol journey. The song should be retitled “Like My Stalker Does.”
In it to win it? Look, everybody has a mom. Everybody. It’s the literal lowest common denominator. Lauren’s follow-up jam: “Let’s All Have A Sandwich”
Steven Tyler sez “Oh you fuckers are trotting out this turd song for another Idol also-ran? That’s just shang-dang juh-bopple!”
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Anso’s Asshole Prediction Lauren has the edge. The crying, the Mom, the God, the boobs.
FINALE CONCLUSION
Your proof that Satan is all-powerful American Idol:
-ADF
