TRANSLATE-BOT 3K TO NIKKI SIXX: PUT A GODDAMN SHIRT ON

The challenge for tireless bullshitters like Nikki Sixx, Max Cavalera, Dave Mustaine, Steven Tyler, and Sammy Hagar is overcoming audience immunity. Know what I mean? With every distorted remembrance and self-aggrandizing observation, the shit-talker’s would-be customers (i.e. us) build a resistance to his line of artlessly cloaked sales-speak and attention-mongering. So the leg-puller succumbs to the tugging urge to ramp up the bullshit, to swing bigger and more wildly, in his quest for exposure for a crappy book, charmless side project, or half-assed clothing line. The result? Boldly false accusations, misremembered details, poorly-veiled disses, and … well, and everything Mustaine ever says. Bullshit.

Which is fine. Cuz we don’t admire musicians for their devotion to perspective and modesty (except Devin Townsend lovvvve youuuuuu). But in the case of Sixx, grand champion of public self-worship, it might be necessary to stage an intervention; the Motley Crue bassist, who spent a few years using heroin and a few decades telling the world about it, might lose a jaw bone for all his recent ShamWow-style jabbering about Crue albums that no one will buy (Saints of Los Angeles limped to gold sales status), his new photography book (lulz meet me in the quad later, stud), and the next tour to be ruined by fat-ass Vince Neil this summer with Poison. All that blabbing! His tongue must be raw with abrasions, his lips nearly flapped right off his face. He can’t stop and he needs help!

But I might be wrong. Shit, just maybe Sixx is speaking the truth and I can’t handle it. So when impartiality is key, when neutrality is a necessity, when there are cold, hard facts to be parsed from dumb, dishonest bullshit, we wheel in the always reliable MetalSucks Translate-Bot 3000. Time is of the essence if Sixx is to be saved from himself and, eventually, from gaffer-tape wielding music journalists. Go, Translate-Bot 3000, go!

Sixx, on Motley Crue: “I think our best record is still in us. I really believe that. When we buckle down … next year and really put the songs together, I’m excited. Saints Of Los Angeles was fantastic. It was nominated for a Grammy, and after being around for 30 years and [that] tells me we’re still making music that people are noticing. Album sales are down globally and the band is still doing great.” [source: About.com]

T-B3K: “Now that I, Nikki Sixx, have twice put pen to paper, there finally exists a means for parents and kids to fulfill their dreams and life’s missions. Get word to Bono that there is a new frontrunner for the first rock star Nobel Prize.”

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Sixx, on author Sammy Hagar: “Sammy Hagar wrote a book [Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock], and, honestly, I’m very disappointed in Sammy, and it bums me out to even want to hear Van Halen. I’m a positive fan, and I have a hard time listening to Van Halen with Sammy Hagar singing now.” [source: ExpressNightOut.com]

T-B3K: “You can buy Sammy Hagar’s hit book, but be forewarned that it will undermine the elusive appeal of 5150 and OU812. His bestseller also will counteract the effects of pot, shrink your boobs/boner, render you unable to feel joy, and make food taste bad. This Is Gonna Hurt is on sale now.”

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There it is, metal people: Nikki Sixx’s stupid mouth is geysering frothy bullshit all over the place! Thank you, MetalSucks Translate-Bot 3000, for whom there is no insinuation too sneaky, no campaign speech-style encounter too vague, no passive-aggressive plea too hoary. Rest now, dear T-B3K, for Mustaine awaits you.

-ADF

Nikki Sixx’s second bullshitty book This Bullshit Is Gonna Hurt: Music, Photography, and Bullshit Through The Bullshit Lens of Nikki Sixx is out now ($30, William Morrow). Motley Crue’s bullshit tour this summer with Poison and NY Dolls dates here.