IDOL REMAINS LIVE 7: YOUR ONE-WAY TICKET TO MIDNIGHT

American Idol week 13

Wed The final eight perform famous movie songs. Gosh thrilling concept, guys.

Thur Live results + lots of fast-forwarding

Misery Index Shut up shut up shut up all of you!

Tyler-o-meter “I am fucked up right now!”

Hey friends! This week, let’s check out the Idol Remains mailbag! The first comment comes from the nice person who does my boss:

Hi Anso, It’s me Metalgf. I am Vince [Neilstein]’s girlfriend and a fan of Idol. I also saw Idol taped live earlier this year, as you may recall. I am just a mess over the results. Pia [the pageant singer] was so much better than so many other Losers on this show. I HATE James Durbin and Paul [McDonald] is fine but not Idol material, Laura [the winner] is a snooze factory and Haley [Reinhart] is nothing to write home about. Stefano [Dimples] is just a pretty face. Pia and Jacob [Down With Jesus] and maybe Casey Beardo have real talent. But MOSTLY PIA. She was the best. I think I will stop watching the show now. I am just so disappointed and it’s just ridiculous. I obviously, as usual, do not agree with America at large. Our tastes differ more than I ever imagined.

Hi Metalgf, it’s me Anso. I am Vince’s um “silent admirer” and not a fan of Idol. You’re so right that it seems like Pia and Jacob are talented. But do you agree that it’s natural for many viewers to decline any further full-tilt caterwauling from these two? I mean, taken as a whole, the performances of each resemble that movie Titanic if it consisted only of the big finale on a loop until the viewer must stop watching. And now, people are starting to stand up and file out on Pia and, god willing, pitch-weak Jacob too. I guess it’s not about who’s best. That’s why Steve Vai isn’t the world’s most popular guitarist. Superhugz! Thanks for reading!

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Hey, Anso. Whats your beef with Casey? He can jam but you hate him! – M.D.

Last week, Casey misspoke slightly when he attributed “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” to Sting, the song’s writer, instead of to its recording artists, The Police. It got me thinking, however, of a great Sting quote from a great 2000 Police interview in great leading active rock magazine Revolver’s very first issue. Indulge me, cuz it sums up the whole Casey thing. The band discusses acrimony during the sessions for their final record:

Stewart Copeland: [Synchronicity] was recorded in an unbelievably bad atmosphere. We hated each others guts, and we had no respect for each other. Actually, I did, but I just felt like a piece of shit.

Andy Summers: [sarcastically] That’s odd. I thought there was a lot of love in the room.

Sting: But Stewart, I did like you…

Stewart Copeland: Well, I could hardly play my instrument. I couldn’t even hold on to my drumsticks.

Sting: …it was your guts that I hated. [laughs]

Ha, that guy Sting should be renamed Zing. Or Zting? Anyway, the point is Casey can play and he digs tasty jamz. Regardless, hating people is ugly. Nobody hates him. Just his guts. His smug, mugging, plugging guts. And beard. Guts and beard. Cheers, M.D.!

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Exactly how high are you when you write Idol Remains? You make so little sense. — J.T. in Lomita, CA

Not high enough, friend! Next question!

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Do you really suggest that young Idol singers be confined to material appropriate to their life experience? That doesn’t make sense. — Lisa L. in Silver Lake, CA

Again with the sense making? Do you know J.T.? Anyway, yes! That is exactly what I am suggesting. Take a typical Scotty song choice about an American man livin’ right, lovin’ mama, and drinkin’ a cold beer: If we were making a movie about this walking cliche, would it be in any way reasonable to cast Scotty in the part? He’s 16 years old. Motherfucker is five years away from legally setting foot in a bar. His mama looks to be in her 30s and in good health. His livin’ has taken place in schoolhouses and in front of TVs. The same went for that silly showdog Thia. You can’t believe them. Not a word. Defeats the whole purpose. Sorry harsh. Thanks for your exquisitely-worded question, Lisa!

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Great questions, everybody! Continue to question me at your leisure on Twitter @AnsoDF and by email at hipstersoutofmetal at gmail dot com. And now, with special expanded coverage of Steven Tyler’s batshit coke-rapping [all sic], your Idol Remains recrap:

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PAUL MCDONALD

Song “Old Time Rock and Roll” from Risky Business

Should’ve sung “Footloose” from Footloose

Scoop Remember that episode of The Simpsons where smuggling alcohol is punishable by catapult? That concept applied here would goose this bullshit-a-thon straight quick.

Production notes And let the Randy Jackson Festival of Name-Dropping mmmbegin!

Steven Tyler “Wow, Paul. Forget about … Who’s your sax player?” To sexy saxophone player: “Woo, baby, you’re good.” To Paul: “First of all, I want to borrow that suit when we go back on tour. Y’know, I love your crazy, wild abandon, man, how that transcends to an audience. That’s the secret, right there. What you got back from [the audience]? That says it all. I liked it. Yeah.”

Bottom-three vote getter — Voted off

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LAUREN THE WINNER

Song “The Climb” from Hannah Montana: The Movie

Should’ve sung “The Rainbow Connection” from The Muppet Movie

Scoop Huh. Lauren’s idea of flaunting her skills is to out-sing the “Achey Breaky Heart” guy’s daughter. That’s like bringing Everest gear for a stroll to the mailbox. Wait. Does that last thing make me sound like Steven Tyler? Aw shit it’s contagious.

Production notes Now that Lauren is one of two remaining female Idol hopefuls, she can cease expending precious energy on moving around the stage. Hey, it worked for Pia. Oh wait. Heh.

Steven Tyler “Lauren, you were the first idol that we thought [pauses] of when everybody was trying out in the very beginning. I love what you bring to a song, and I love more what a song brings to you. And how you own it, and your spirit, and your voice, more importantly. Every time you sing, I hear it in the virst ferse — first verse. It’s just beautiful. Again, you move me beyond tears.”

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STEFANO DIMPLES

Song “End of the Road” from Boomerang

Should’ve sung “Are You Ready For The Sex Girls” from Revenge of the Nerds

Scoop Mr. EliminateMeAlready prefaced this week’s performance with some slick science-kicking about the music industry’s surplus of great talent. Which bears no relevance to a no-singing suck like Stefano. O, was it all in vain?

Production notes Last week’s surprise elimination of Pia Wouldntwannabeya shall be referred to by Stefano as “a rough night for America.” Yeah shit man, ‘Nam, the Challenger disaster, 9/11, and now this.

Steven Tyler “Man, you proved tonight, man, you know how to milk a song, man. You really do. That thing you do, the American public, that Stefano they were looking for was there tonight. This is so not the end of the road for you. It’s the beginning.”

Bottom-three vote getter

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COUNTREH BOAH SCOTTY MCCREERY

Song “I Cross My Heart” probably from Some Bible Belt Claptrap About A Helpful Cowboy

Should’ve sung “Only A Woman” from Team America: World Police

Scoop Okay, let’s operate on the pretext that Scotty has the breathtaking and special  voice that Idol judges describe. Fine. That means we can focus improvement efforts on non-singing matters, like, oh I dunno, the way he holds the mic like a dick-shaped piccolo?

Production notes Srsly, with the mic thing, is he paying sly tribute to Dave Chappelle’s The Real Black Sheep character? “Doodle-dee doodle-dee doodle-dee Dooooo!” Am I right, folks?

Steven Tyler “Scotty, I just love your voice, man. I think all of America has fallen in love with your voice too, which you’re going find out by the votes tonight. And you did it again; you picked the just-right song. It’s great, man. You’re good. The best in America.”

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CASEY BEARDO

Song “Nature Boy” from The Boy With Green Hair? Untamed Heart? Moulin Rouge??

Should’ve sung “Minnie The Moocher” from The Blues Brothers

Scoop Nothing says “punch me” like a muted brown ascot.

Production notes Nothing says “knife me” like the phrase “It is so hard to find a song that defines me as an artist.”

Steven Tyler During standing ovation: “Yes! Encore!” Seated: “Casey, man, you an artist the truest sense of the world. You took a song by Nat King Cole, who sang kee-mo, kye-mo stare-o-stare/Ma-hye, ma-ho, ma-rump-sticka-pumpanickle/soup-bang, nip-cat, polly-mitcha-cameo. And you took a song that my mama sang to me when I was a little baby, ‘Nature Boy,’ and you took it and you did … You do what’s in your heart. Regardless of what Jimmy Iovine and the rest of them said, you believe what is in your heart and you did it. Did you hear what they did [indicates audience]? That’s the truest sense of artist. Truest sense of the word ‘artist.’ There’s a certain sophistication in what you do, man, that’s like Sting ‘n beyond. You are so good, man. I just … I gotta tell you [applauds].”

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HALEY REINHART

Song “Call Me” from American Gigolo

Should’ve sung “Into The Groove” from Desperately Seeking Susan

Scoop I’m not the most perceptive guy in the world, but I swear Haley will be relieved upon her inevitable elimination. She exudes discomfort. She wants out.

Production notes Haley is short on the following: confidence, clothing, and choreography.

Steven Tyler “Y’know, I agree [with Jackson] but, but, but-ah, but y’know, um, I’ve always said that when you sing choruses, and you nail them in that just-right song … This song is like a chorus. The [sings] “Call me!” It was beautiful. You sang it heavy, you sang it great. I love that … that … that thing you got on is gorgeous too. Here’s to lookin’ up your old address!”

Bottom-three vote getter

JACOB DOWN WITH JESUS

Song “Song Not Written Down by Anso” from Not Looking This Up

Should’ve sung “We Don’t Need Another Hero” from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

Scoop Jacob’s segment is represented in my mind with a big blank void. I must’ve um gone into a vibrato-induced fugue state. Yeah that’s it.

Production notes Let’s have Jimmy Iovine scold the shit outta Jacob for that “look at yourselves in the mirror, America” routine last week. Oh, and anybody against an awkward audience piece that reveals random celebrity spectators Rob Reiner, Elvira, and Hank Azaria in a joyless cluster? Swish!

Steven Tyler “Jacob, holy shit-dizzles. I mean, how much of you you put into a song is phenomenal. It’s astounding to me how angelic you sing and where you get that from. It’s like, your crinshendos [sic] and minnue — innuendos, ups and downs, as they say. How much you put into a songisjustincredible. Those last three notes and how s — how well you s — you fit in with a choir is incredible. And I know America hears that. So God bless you, man, and your voice.”

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HEAVY METAL JAMES DURBIN

Song “Heavy Metal” from Heavy Metal

Should’ve sung “Heading Out To The Highway” from Heavy Metal Parking Lot

Scoop The lulzy work of Sammy Hagar at last breaks through to American Idol with his dumbest song this side of “Remember The Heroes.” Ha, you can just tell that when it was explained to Sammy that the movie wasn’t about heavy metal music, Hagar just blankly stared. Like a wax statue. Then: “Is it cool if the song is about heavy metal music?”

Production notes Bring in Zakk Wylde to affix some ballz to this lyrically trite and musically threadbare non-jam. Hey, but don’t inform judge Randy Jackson that Wylde no longer works for Ozzy. It’ll be more uncomfortable that way.

Zakk Wylde [buying time for a coughing Steven Tyler] “He sang his ass off, man. No doubt about it.”

Steven Tyler [breathless] “Outstanding, Durbin. You just had to get that out, didn’t ya? And I’m glad you went with your feelings. Nice lip to [Iovine]; I’m glad you got that out, too. Excellent. Zakk — great, man. As usual.”

-ADF

MetalSucks’ Idol Remains continues next week when Idol producers compensate for the dwindling number of singers by outsourcing 60 of the show’s 150 minutes to Will I. Am.