IDOL REMAINS LIVE 6: THE SYSTEM HAS FAILED
“Urban-inspired hand movements” on Idol
American Idol week 12
Wed The final nine perform hits by Rock N’ Roll Hall Of Fame artists
Thur Live results + a shirtless, sweaty 64-year old man
Misery Index Egomania! Delusion! Heartbreak! Finger-wagging! Kill me!
Tyler-o-meter “You’re all winners!”
*
It’s poetic justice that the shrill, strained, self-congratulatory American Idol took on the equally stupid Rock And Roll Hall of Fame this week. It meant that Idol hopefuls would attack time-tested, unimpeachable classic jamz; it meant that Idol repertoire — restricted of late to Motown, Elton John, and hits from the singers‘ birth years — would remain firmly in the comfortable past; it meant that Idol could lap at the nuts of the clueless R&RHoF and stretch the institution’s entry criteria to include the goofiest Idol contestants; it meant swollen heads for the woefully unjustified egomaniacs among the Idol suck pool; and, in true R&RHoF style, it culminated in exclusion of the most deserving and validation of middling, secondary talent. See: Rush, Steve Marriott vs. The Doors, Rod Stewart.
But Idol surpassed even the Hall of Shlame when judges Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson — in played-up shock over this week’s unexpected elimination — actually gathered the nerve to scold voters at this week’s conclusion. The implication was that there exists a silent legion of fans who neglected to vote, thereby recklessly cheating an Idol hopeful of her rightful place in the next rounds. Um, did it ever occur to judges that the lowest vote-getter may have the smallest number of fans?
Nope. Instead, judges chastised America, reminding lazy viewers to vote for their favorite. Well, maybe the judges need to take a look in the mirror. They’re the ones who endorsed all these sucks! They brought in consultants of dubious acclaim (like a batty Will I. Am, below). They varnish turd performances from no-singing lames like the country dork and the whiny hunk and the squeaky wimp and the Blues Hammer reject. So, fuck us? Fuck you. Ugh. Now, your Idol Remains recap from the very edge of sanity.
Jacob down with Jesus
Song: “Let’s Get It On” “Man In The Mirror” as sung by Michael Jackson
Scoop: Hey Jacob, if you wanna make the world a better place, go easy on the vibrato, stud! Vibratocide claims thousands of victims every year!
Will I Am: “You chillin’ up in the Himalayas, and then you not even taking a submarine to the bottom of the Atlantic — you like diving in it. And the compression ain’t even exploding your head. Your eyes are poppin’ out. That’s … that’s your range.”
Hall of Fame or Hall of Shame? Shame, and yet Jacob states that should he rank low, “it won’t be because I sang the song bad or sang the song wrong, it will be because everybody in America wasn’t ready to look at themselves in the mirror.” Yeah, that must be it.
Production notes: It’s not weird and awkward for Seacrest to compliment Jacob’s hip thrusts.
Steven Tyler: “Man, every time you sing, you bring another little piece of yourself to the party.”
Bottom three vote-getter
*
Haley Reinhart
Song: “Piece Of My Heart” as sung by Big Brother & The Holding Company
Scoop: Last week, Haley rescued Idol from near-total suckage. This week, a scared, squirmy Haley provides this season’s first real Idol moment.
Will I. Am: “You sound like an artist, not a singer. You sound like the real deal.”
Hall of Fame or Hall of Shame? Fame. She whaled on this shit.
Production notes: An astute Haley identifies and iterates the Idol judges’ Janis fever.
Steven Tyler: “Haley I couldn’t find nothing wrong with that. Janis gave the voice to rock n’ roll back in ‘68 and you did it again tonight.”
*
Casey beardo
Song: “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” “Have You Ever Seen The Rain?” as sung by Credence Clearwater Revival
Scoop: Casey is too smug to believe. Literally. And figuratively.
Will I Am: “It isn’t changing the notes if the notes that you selected that is very lounge-y, coupled with the snappies. That’s very … Sammy.”
Hall of Fame or Hall of Shame? Shame. Srsly. Casey hits not one pleasing note in this song’s powerful reprise, just more hyar-herm Candlebox jive. Oh baby.
Production notes: With breathtaking swiftness, Casey defines himself as a Will I. Am collaborator for their rehearsal duet for beatbox and buster. Yeah, stud, you’re a superstar now.
Steven Tyler: “I think you oughtta put some wheels on that [stand-up bass] and ride around town. You’re such a true musician, man. It’s not just the voice, man, but you bring a standup bass which nobody can play.” More like ride that bass straight to Gofuckyourselfville.
*
Lauren the winner
Song: “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman” as sung by Aretha Franklin
Scoop: Sheesh, Lauren is like an assassin who shoots only at shins and shoulders. Finish them already!
Will I Am: “You know what happens when you combine country and soul: Countr-oul. You gotta get that control. New category in the Grammys for Countr-oul Artist of the Year.”
Hall of Fame or Hall of Shame: Shame. Is Lauren just chicken or something? I said finish them! Boot to the throat, girl!
Production Notes: During Casey’s smirkfest, Christian Slater was visible over Randy Jackson’s shoulder nodding emphatically. For Lauren, why not show him pervishly mouthing the word beautiful.
Steven Tyler: “Four months ago you came here an immature little girl, and tonight you are a natural born woman.” Wait, it’s been four months? Great god.
*
Heavy Metal James Durbin
Song “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” as sung by The Beatles
Scoop: This week’s show has been full-tilt so far. Is this the time to risk a ballad?
Will I. Am: “I respect the danger. ‘Everybody’s wearing blue and I’m wearing purple.’ But that’s close to blue.”
Hall of Fame or Hall of Shame? Shame. If you can’t surpass the freaking Spineshank version, I mean, shit … do I have to complete this sentence?
Production notes: What’s the song title? “Guitar”? “Gently weeps”? Hmmm open the song with some weeping slide guitar. But gently. Alright, I’m going on break.
Steven Tyler: “Not only did The Beatles write great songs, but George Harrison did as well. Y’know he wrote that.”
*
Countreh Boah Scotty McCreery
Song: “That’s All Right” as sung by Elvis Presley
Scoop: This week, for serious, Scotty is going to branch out. Really. A brand new good ol’ Scotty.
Will I. Am: “You want to figure out how to combine two things that don’t go together [but] taste good when they go together. Peanut butter and jelly? Come on.”
Hall of Fame or Hall of Shame? Shame, but it seems that we’ve finally identified Scotty’s identity: He’s a deft Elvistite!
Production notes: Fer-Pez calls out Scotty on his Sergeant D.-verified wiggerish hand movements.
Steven Tyler: “I thought you were all hat and no cattle. But you brought Elvis into the house.”
*
Pia the pageant singer
Song: “River Deep-Mountain High” as sung by Ike & Tina Turner
Scoop: Good ol’ Pee Stains. Always good for some shrieking.
Will I. Am: “You don’t wanna do it like Madonna singing Tina Turner. Then it’s like, ‘What? Boo.’”
Hall of Fame or Hall of Shame? Fame. Wait, first Scotty was tolerable, now Pia is good? Is this Bizarro Idol week?
Production notes: When Pia stops to dispel the myth of her preference for big ballads, she couldn’t hide her distaste for the term uptempo. Like a suburban parent saying rap music.
Steven Tyler: “Murderer! You killed it! You gotta know there’s a million guys out there in a million bars having a million drinks about you tonight.”
Bottom three vote-getter. Voted off.
*
Stefano dimples
Song: “When A ‘Man’ Loves A Woman” as sung by Percy Sledge
Scoop: Stefano is tone deaf-ano. Tip your waitress.
Will I. Am: “You’re not anticipating you on a stage.”
Hall of Fame or Hall of Shame? Shame. Okay, whew. Now we’re back to normal. Stefano sucks still.
Production notes: Among Jimmy Iovine, Will I. Am, Fer-Pez, Jackson, and Tyler, nobody can muster any substantial advice. It’d be like telling vanilla ice cream to be more flavorful.
Steven Tyler: “I like the old tyme very much so — in the beginning of that — and I like where you take it and I thought you were gonna take it over the top, y’know, you got a great range to your voice you know it’s beautiful andjustkeepplayingwiththat. I like that a lot about your voice.”
Bottom three vote-getter
*
Paul McDonald
Song: “Folsom Prison Blues” as sung by Johnny Cash
Scoop: Srsly I am hating. Paul can take that rare Nudie suit and his $3600 acoustic guitar and join the rest of his ilk on a subway platform.
Will I. Am: “Don’t tone it down, dude. Make your hair messy!”
Hall of Fame or Hall of Shame? Shame. I’m pretty sure Johnny Cash would shoot a man like Paul just to stop him from wrecking a clutch jam.
Production notes: Counteract the wane of Paul’s appeal by cultivating the septuagenerian vote. But how? Ah! Seacrest shall refer to Paul’s squeaky Cash rehash as a hoedown. Done and done.
Steven Tyler: “You’re such a crazy character. A perfect imperfect boy.”
–ADF
MetalSucks’ Idol Remains will return next week when several Idol hopefuls perish in a bloody voter revolt.
