IDOL REMAINS 5: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YA, ELTON.”
In preparation for Idol Remains, I usually steel myself with drugs and self-reassurance that what may seem like my senseless negativity is fair reportage. It’s not the flogging of an defenseless mental defect, it’s the passing along of facts. Right?
Not anymore. All bets are off, Idol. I must thrash you.
Why? It’s not because of the shitty singing. And it’s not revenge for the product placement and exploitative theme nights (like this week’s systematic decimation of the Elton John catalogue). And, truly, I don’t fault producers for sexualizing minors and parching an already shallow well of human drama. No sweat.
But here’s my problem: The judges are fucking liars. It’s unconscionable. They overlook gaffes; they praise the abortive. They insist to Idol’s viewership that there is validity to this parade of bad Broadway, vibrato farming, and tin-eared karaoke. They swear to the buying public that this is music. Even Steven Tyler now sports a Kool-Aid mustache that is visible from space.
That is bullshit. See for yourself in the meanest, hatefulest Idol Remains recap yet:
Countreh Boah Scotty McCreery
Song: “Country Comfort”
Scoop: Hey did y’all hear? Scotty is country.
Elton factor: Far from liberating my inner Elton, Scotty made me embarrassed to be alive — from his flubbed final low note to his good ol’ guitar Scarlet.
Production notes: Each judge must mention Scotty’s mid-song shout-out to his grammaw.
Steven Tyler: “Scotty! Ain’t nothing I can say to you that an old fashioned pair of high-heeled cowboy boots wouldn’t fix.”
*
Naima Adedapo
Song: “I’m Steel Stan Ding”
Scoop: In Wednesday’s interview segment, Naima couldn’t resist a quick diss of haters to whom she dedicates this Elton kiss-off jam.
Elton factor: Via this statement song from a past-his-prime Elton, Naima again unfurls her own flag; it’s only unfortunate that her national anthem is a squeamish, cruise ship reggae revamp complete with affected Jamaican accent.
Production notes: From intro clips to post-performance interview, Naima’s segment resembles Dave Chappelle’s When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong.
Steven Tyler: “Boom shakalaka baby. Good for you pickin’ a song that fits you. I can’t tell ya how many times people came up here and sang songs that don’t fit ‘em.”
Voted off
V*
Paul McDonald
Song: “Rocket Man”
Scoop: This sorry-ass no-singing VH1 cast-off’s uniqueness is reaffirmed by music industry figures who haven’t been inside a Starbucks.
Elton factor: Srsly, I passed out this shit was so boring. I regained consciousness just as Paul also embarrassed me by whispering the final lyric.
Production notes: Judges must rephrase the expression “you suck horsedicks!” as “we want you to keep pushing.”
Steven Tyler: “I like [your] character when you sometimes hit a note and sometimes don’t. That’s my cup of tea.”
*
Pia the pageant singer
Song: “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”
Scoop: I doubt she’d let anyone go down on her.
Elton factor: Are you kidding me. This museum piece again stood in one place in a dress and caterwauled another fucking ballad. Again. Next week on the Pia Tonsils Show: a shrieking, chickenshit ballad accompanied by swooping arm movements.
Production notes: Keep it nice and literal here. How ‘bout a backdrop of a sunset!
Steven Tyler: “Y’know how I know how good a song is when it makes me cry inside.”
*
Stefano dimples
Song: “Tiny Dancer”
Scoop: I swear Stefano’s boringness can only be explained as a conspiracy to undermine Lunesta stock prices.
Elton factor: Um, so is Simon Cowell busy? #justasking
Production notes: Remember that hyper-literal sunset backdrop for Pia? Well, let’s have Stefano hold out his hand as he sings the word “hand.” #howoriginal
Steven Tyler: “Sometimes I think that you’ve got a thing about your voice that’s a little Broadway?”
Lauren the winner
Song: “Candle In The Wind”
Scoop: Even top-tier talent Lauren can’t resuscitate this dead horse.
Elton factor: Behold, “Candle In The Wind”: First a eulogy for a fallen movie starlet, then a tribute to a tragic aristocrat, soon to be a Family Guy sketch about farting into a match.
Production notes: What, there’s no available projection of a flittering flame? How about undulating blue and purple stripes?
Steven Tyler: “I’ve loved you since the first moment you laid eyes on me … You keep singing like that and you’ll be able to afford the rest of that dress.”
*
Heavy Metal James Durbin
Song: “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting”
Scoop: It’s obvious that James is unacquainted with Flotsam And Jetsam’s superb take on this jam.
Elton factor: Elsewhere, James is an unfettered rock animal, like Elton, in the throes of self-expression; here, James is an extra in a regional production of Rock Of Ages.
Production notes: As continuation of this week’s hyper-literal production, James is to remain on stage until Saturday night at which time he will fight show runner Nigel Lythgoe.
Steven Tyler: “You go where no man can go. Just don’t wear out your welcome … You’ll wind up like me.”
*
Thia Megia
Song: “Daniel”
Scoop: Thia tapped into her deep reservoir of experience to dedicate “Daniel” to her big brother.
Elton factor: Now she and Elton each have sung this song to a teen Filipino boy.
Production notes: Thia’s performances could be enhanced only by randomly-placed trap doors.
Steven Tyler: “I think that when you find the right song, the voice appears.”
Voted off
*
Casey beardo
Song: “Your Song”
Scoop: Consulting producer Jimmy Iovine attempted to humble and neuter Casey. Yeah. Well, at least the jackass got a haircut and a beard trim.
Elton factor: Beneath the bluster, Elton is a tender, tasteful vocalist. Beneath the beard and beehive, Casey is a trying, tuneless vocalist.
Production notes: Each judge shall congratulate self on “saving” Casey’s unlikable, no-vote-getting ass.
Steven Tyler: “The thing about you is you sing different every time. That shows a true artist.”
*
Jacob down with Jesus
Song: “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”
Scoop: By my count, the score is Jacob – 0, Modulation – 4
Elton factor: Jdw/J admitted a preference for the Mary J. Blige version of this jam. Lucky her.
Production notes: Jacob was instructed to cut down on the drama. Roll in the fog machines!
Steven Tyler: “I watch how far out there, or in there, you get when you sing.”
*
Haley Reinhart
Song: “Bennie And The Jets”
Scoop: This week, Haley hit a home run amid a no-hitter.
Elton factor: Unlike Elton, Haley projects near-total discomfort on stage. Bring on the crazy eyewear!
Production notes: Haley is among the two Idol hopefuls with slick pitch and tight tone. Why not keep her off-balance with near-constant descents from blinding staircases and dismounts from piano tops?
Steven Tyler: “You. Sing. Sexy.”
*
–ADF
MetalSucks’ Idol Remains returns next week when the number of crappy Idol hopefuls will be reduced by only 11%. Damn.
