DAVE MUSTAINE IS A HERO BLESSED BY GOD

My dad had kidney stones once when I was a kid and I remember him being in all kinds of agony. So please understand that I am not making fun of him for playing a show despite suffering from this particular malady, because that is very admirable. The set at this gig was apparently abbreviated, for obvious reasons, but for him to do what he did for the fans deserves a big pat on the back.

I am, however, making fun of him for being pompous, and for thinking that he was healed by the power of prayer.

Here’s Mustaine’s account of what happened, which I read on Metal Insider. I’m not gonna provide constant running commentary, but I am going to occasionally pause for a big ol’ “WTF?!“:

“Last night I was getting ready for the concert, and two hours before the show, I started to feel like I had a hernia, or more like I had been hit in the groin. I told my tour manager that I needed a doctor and that there was no way I was going to get through this on my own; that I thought it might be in my best interest to consider canceling the show. Now I rarely, if ever cancel shows, and after 45 minutes of prayer with my loving wife and sweating like a dog, I was told to pee for the doctors. They then explained that there was blood in my urine. I was mad; I would say pissed, but that is an obvious pun.”

First mention of prayer. Not my thing but so far no big deal.

“So they gave me an IV, and analgesic, and an anti-inflammatory injection. The next hour is kinda blurry, but I woke up and David [Ellefson, Megadeth bassist] was holding my hand and praying over me, and even Tom [Araya] and Dave [Lombardo] from Slayer came in to check on me, so I knew I was gonna be OK. For now. And to anyone that thinks Tom and I are still opposed, I feel sorry for you.”

Not only is that the second mention of prayer in as many paragraphs, but am I the only one who, if after passing out from the agony of having a kidney stone, awoke to find Dave Ellefson holding my hand and doing ANYTHING, let alone praying, would probably be like, “Uh, whatcha doin’ there, dude?”

And are we really buying that everything is hunky-dory between Dave and the Slayer dudes? I mean, they came over to see if he’s was okay — that’s just common courtesy (and besides, if he wasn’t alright, it might change their set time and length). But if Araya and Lombardo were really Dave’s friends, wouldn’t they have grabbed a hand or a foot or SOMETHING and joined the prayer circle?

“Anyway, when I woke up, they said that there was so many people outside of the venue still, that they could hold the show for 30 additional minutes, and I said, ‘Guys, I am OK, and we can do this.’ Well, the doctors were not amused at all. But then again, they have never met the likes of one Dave Mustaine.”

DAVE MUSTAINE IS A MEDICAL MARVEL!!!

“I told the band that I was ‘OK’ going on for a few songs, to at least help the fans feel a teensy bit better, and not to allow the promoter to cancel the show. Please don’t get me wrong, the promoter did not want me to cancel, but he also was concerned with my health.

“So what was said was this: ‘Dave Mustaine has become seriously ill (the kidney stone and the blood in my urine), and the doctors are INSISTING he goes to the hospital.’ The crowd immediately voiced their displeasure…”

Holy shit your fans booed you for having blood in your urine and needing serious medical attention? Those are some sucky fans, dude.

“…and right then, perfectly timed, the promoter finished by saying, ‘But Dave Mustaine is refusing to go to hospital until he can play a few songs for you. So, stand by, because coming up next, Megadeth!’ The fans lost it.”

I’m sure the fans did lose it, but do you think he understands why it’s not humble to include this bit in the story? I mean, in case there was any doubt, Dave Mustaine is now officially telling a story about how awesome Dave Mustaine is.

“So we were going to play four songs and someone said, ‘Let’s play ‘Trust’, ’Sweating Bullets’, ’Symphony Of Destruction’, ’Peace Sells’, and the ’Holy Wars’ reprise,’ and I said, ‘We have to play ’A Tout Le Monde’, and let’s put that in before ’Sweating’ and if I can’t do it, then I will just skip it, and we can just go to ’Symphony’.’ Well, it turns out that all of my friends were praying for me and when the lights went out the audience went off! I ended up playing all six songs after all, and I truly believe it was the prayer that got that stone out of me.”

Seriously? It was all the prayer, not the team of doctors you just said you had backstage? I dunno, dude, I hear “sickness cured” and my mind goes right to “medical science,” but that’s just me.

“I feel 95.7% better today, and I don’t want anyone else to worry. I am a tough old skunk, and so I am taking this time to explain in more detail than I normally would about a physical matter. Thank you to everyone who prayed for me, and for everyone that continues to pray for me. And now, I have a concert I must go to. God bless you all, and now everyone who prayed for me, please pray for Jeff Hanneman of Slayer.”

I really, really, REALLY don’t think Jeff Hanneman would want me to pray for him. It’s just a gut feeling I can’t shake.

Look, it really doesn’t matter why it happened, or that Dave felt the need to pat himself on the back in public (if he was less of an egomaniac, Ellefson could have released the same story, and while all the prayer stuff still would have been not-for-me, at least Mustaine wouldn’t come off looking so boastful) — like I said, it was very cool of him not to cancel the whole show despite the fact that he was so ill.

But come ON, this shit is hilarious.

-AR