IDOL REMAINS: DON’T CRY FOR ME PASADENA

Wed: San Francisco, auditions day seven
Thurs: “Hollywood,” first round of eliminations
Misery index: four hankies
Tyler-o-meter: 60%

Wednesday’s American Idol broadcast didn’t constitute entertainment as much as hardcore, face-banging tragedy-porn. It was an orgy of misfortune, a cumshot compilation of adversity. After all, this seventh and final audition was the last chance for rubbernecking viewers to gawk at unhinged auditioners; on the flip side, show producers seemed desperate to lock in viewership for the coming weeks when Idol makes the ostensible transformation from blooper reel to talent competition. So out came the human-drama canons to douse us in sap. There wasn’t even time for a viewer to sigh wistfully after one tale of woe before another was blubbered out over drippy music. Shudder.

Tragedy 1: San Francisco audition tragedy struck even before opening credits could roll when cameras followed a departing Idol reject who railed against the unfairness of her judges. After all, she reports, her only crime was a mid-audition fart. My question is, was it on pitch?

Tragedy 2: Contestant Stefano Langone underwent four months of intensive therapy following an unspecified life-threatening accident. Even scarier, it appears that his dad likes to impersonate Jordan Rudess. Oh, the humanity!

Tragedy 3: One bespectacled auditioner runs a karaoke night in a Long Beach secretary bar. Man, that really puts pressure on the judges to say yes or be responsible for his suicide.

Tragedies 4 – 6: A guy with a tail, a brutal slaying of “Signed, Sealed, Delivered,” a singing Transformer.

Tragedy 7: Mind-fuckingly gorgeous contestant Julie Zorrilla and her family escaped warfare and extortion in their native Colombia. She sang great, but I kept thinking how much I liked the butterfly print on her dress. So yeah the tragedy is that I’ll never get to bang her because I am gay.

Tragedy 8: One singer lost his father to drug abuse and now battles Aspergers, Tourette’s, unemployment, and the shittiest faux-hawk ever.

Thursday’s Idol kicked off Hollywood week, where contestants take the stage in sets of ten to sing briefly and with no judge comments. Winners are plucked and losers dismissed. At the top of the show, I was optimistic because:

• Steven Tyler huddled the judges and host Ryan Seacrest before taking the stage, saying “We’re gonna go in. We’re gonna come out. No one gets hurt.” I’m trusting you here, Tyler cuz my ass still hurts from last time.
• I figure that this is the second round, so no more pathetic, tone-deaf freaks, right? Right?!
• Starting today, contestants go through hair and make-up before appearing. Same people, tighter jeans/faux-hawks.

My optimism was predictably short-lived. Cuz now that the proceedings are serious, there’s more forced, staged crying than a Tobey Maguire movie. Here’s what non-viewers were spared:

• A certain of nervousness is natural, but a truly aspiring pop star is at home in the spotlight. According to episode eights‘s lengthy freak-out montage, apparently a lot of us vomit, forget lyrics, and tremble violently at home. Oh wait I suppose that’s accurate.
• One squeaky 15-year old contestant capped his round-two win with manic, taunting rant against his doubters. Let’s just call him Lil’ Cyco Miko.
• It seems that Seacrest needs to suck it up and make nice with Idol copywriters. Maybe then they’ll stop scripting clusterfucked metaphors like “The colossal pressure casts a shadow onstage.” A dangling modifier yesterday and now this?!
• I again wondered how many of the Idol hopefuls have really attempted to initiate a pop music career. Oh wait their dream is to be awarded pop stardom, not to suffer the slog and shit-work to become legitimate entertainers. It’s the same way that I won Mr. Tightbuns 1988.
• Another dangling modifier for Seacrest’s voiceover! He must’ve banged somebody’s wife/husband!
• I also wonder about Tyler’s Keith Richards t-shirt. Did he wear it as a public nod to his 1976 Mick Jagger diss? Is it an attempt to hitch buzz of his forthcoming memoirs to the success of Richards’ tome? Is it made of drugs?
• Half of the Idol hopefuls were cut but not Chris Medina, who restated Thursday that he uses his brain-damaged finance as “inspiration.” I think he meant to say “currency.”

-ADF

MetalSucks’ “Idol Remains” returns next week with an autopsy of the sure-to-be-packed-with-sniveling group performances.