BREAKING NEWS: STRAIGHT LINE STITCH STILL STRAIGHT-UP STINK

Y’know what really makes me happy? When a band I previously did not enjoy releases new material which makes me do a total one-eighty. Creative growth! More good art in the world! A better chance that my ulcers might subside! These are all good things. I will happily eat my hat when a band I used to feel was “meh” or worse suddenly get their act together.

Alas, no such luck in the case of Straight Line Stitch, whose new song, “Conversion,” failed to, uh, convert me.

I have the same problem with SLS now that I did with SLS before, which is that they seem to be chasing a trend which doesn’t exist anymore. It’s not just the lack of originality that sinks “Conversation” — it’s that no one is looking to fill slots for the second stage at Ozzfest ’03 right now. (No wonder they’re about to start touring with Nonpoint.)

Of course, the fact that they’re so artificial ain’t helping, either. I mean, look at this new band pic, which was taken by Tom Medvedich:

Those three dudes didn’t just all a) stand in the background on their own and b) cross their arms just by coincidence. Someone had to instruct them to do that. Someone had to say, “It’s important that we emphasize that there’s an attractive woman in this band, because that worked for In This Moment, and it’s important that these dudes look tough, so we’d better have them pull a Mr. T.” This shit is manufactured, plain and simple, and not only does it show in the picture, but it shows in the sterile, passionless music that the band releases.

Listen to the song here if you must. SLS’ new album, The Fight of Our Lives, comes out March 22 on eOne.

-AR