FIVE-YEAR-OLD DECLARES PIG DESTROYER “ONE OF THE BESTEST ONES.”

It’s time: MetalSucks, in association with Chuck E. Cheese, needs to sponsor a symposium of metal’s greatest up-and-coming critical thinkers — the Albert Mudrians and Cosmo Lees of the future, if you will. Obviously, The Crud Wizard should be right at the top of the speaker’s list; and, Kevin Stewart-Panko’s son, Sam, has been doing some brilliant work over at The Deciblog, so he should obviously get an invite, too. But this is metal, so the event shouldn’t be allowed to get too stodgy; there needs to be, like, a Minister of Partying or something, someone to really get the booties shack-a-lack-a-lackin’ in the ball pit.

Enter the young men in the below video, sent to us by a reader calling himself simply “Scott.” Scott is not the father of these five- and three-year-old grind freaks — he’s not even a blood relative, apparently — but surely, he is the boys’ favorite “uncle” nonetheless.

Part of me thinks these little dudes are too young to be listening to Pig Destroyer and Agoraphobic Nosebleed, the same way they’re too young to see A Clockwork Orange and Silence of the Lambs — I mean, they’re great works of art, but not intended for people who don’t yet know what the phrase “tuck it back” means.

But the other part of me just now wants a son really, really bad.

-AR