BREAK OUT THE BIG GUNS: HERE’S THE REUNION WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

Fuck Van Halen. Fuck Faith No More. Fuck At the Gates. Fuck Carcass. And fuck Soundgarden, too.

Guys, I’m not dicking around. Think about it for one second — whose reunion could possibly be so momentous that it would make all those other re-alliances look like just another tour? What band has continued for years now without that one key member that really MAKES the band, that we’ve all been DYING to return?

Have you guessed yet?

Yep. That’s EXACTLY who I’m talking about.

Don’t pinch yourself. It’s really happening.

In 2011…

SCOTTY GRIFFIN IS RETURNING TO [THE PHIL LEWIS VERSION OF] L.A. GUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scotty Griffin, who is not an original member of the band, has never written or recorded with them, and, as far we know, has never even met Tracii Guns before, has nonetheless been cool enough to take pictures with any female fans that have asked him to do so since he first became a Gunner in 2007.

And Scotty Griffin doesn’t mess around — he always purses his lips for the picture, even if he’s all sweaty and tired after having just played a show, and you’re wearing a Kamelot shirt.

Why, sometimes, on really, really special occasions, Scotty Griffin even takes a photo with MULTIPLE female fans!!! I know, right? He must be the best bass player of all time! It’s like, “Cliff who?”

And Scotty Griffin is never a spotlight hog — he’s more than willing to let the other guys from the band be in the pic, too.

And if you think that Scotty Griffin is doing it all for the tail, well, you should be ashamed of yourself — Scotty Griffin is all about the art, man. Which is why sometimes Scotty Griffin obliges dude fans with photos as well.

But Scotty Griffin left the band in 2009, which means that for all of 2010, no L.A. Guns fans were able to have their picture taken with Scotty Griffin. It was a complete travesty, and we all suffered for it — including Scotty Griffin. Just look at the below picture, which I believe was taken during Scotty Griffin’s time away from the band.

Why’s Scotty Griffin so sad?!?!

Guys, I hope you appreciate the magnitude of the news that Scotty Griffin is now back in [the Phil Lewis Version of] L.A. Guns. Nothing more exciting will ever happen again.

I feel like I’m gonna faint. I have to go jerk off to celebrate.

-AR