REASONS WE HAVE NOT YET JIZZED ALL OVER PAINTED IN EXILE

Well here’s a fun, intelligent, and above all else, exceedingly polite e-mail we got from reader Dan Wolfson last night:

Subject: PAINTED IN FUCKING EXILE YOU IDIOTS
From: dan wolfson
To: MetalSucks

WHY HAVE YOU NOT JIZZED OVER THIS VIDEO YET

FOOLS

So Vince actually had nice things (well, really, a nice thing) to say about this band as part of a Reader’s Choice round-up back in 2009, but as regular readers are aware, Vince is a much nicer person than I am. So please allow me to explain why I have not yet jizzed all over this video or this band:

• It’s a bad sign if I’m more interested in the chicks in your video than I am in your music.
• Wait, is this the new Born of Osiris song?
• I’m currently suffering from deedily-dooze.
• Wait, did Alexandre Erian join a new band?
• If you’re not a crabcore band, don’t pose like you’re about to take a massive shit right where you stand. If I turned the sound off, I’m reasonably certain I could convince someone that this was a new Attack Attack! video.
• Wait, did Greg Puciato join a new band?
• Endorsement of karate moshing.
• Wait, did a horrible car accident render BTBAM retarded?
• There was a time when it was okay for white people to wear a sideways baseball cap… and that time was 199never.
• Wait, is this an after school special?
• Absence of lesbianism.
• Wait, is this band religious?
• The lyric “Roots go down way deeper than the eye can see/ Sometimes I get confused when I think about the bottom of the trees.”
• Wait, is that dude smiling at me?
• All of the other lyrics.
• Wait, this song is how long?
• It just sounds like a mix tape of eighteen bajillion other bands. I haven’t listened to metal in two weeks, not two years, kids — you can’t fool me that easy.

Chime in with your own reasons for not blowing a load over this band in the comments section.

-AR