KORPIKLANNI: HOW DO YOU F*CK UP A VIDEO ABOUT TEQUILA?

Korpiklanni have released a video for their new single, “Tequila,” and, uh, it’s boring. I don’t know how the fuck you take a video for a song about the best thing to ever ruin millions of lives every day by a band whose last album was title was the Finnish word for “party” and make it boring, but I guess this director was feeling ambitious.

Please allow me to elaborate for a moment.

Let’s talk about three act structure. You all know about three act structure, right? It’s the thing that tells us that all good stories have a beginning, a middle, and an end. So, for example:

• BEGINNING: I procured some tequila.
• MIDDLE: I drank the tequila.
• END: I vomitted the tequila.

There. See how easy that was? You wanna keep that shit simple and direct, because brevity is the soul of wit and all that shit. This is especially true if you’re talking about a three minute promotional music video.

Now let’s examine the structure of this video, and why it’s so stinky:

• BEGINNING: Old Man wakes up and futzes with the television. So we’re off to a riveting start. Way to grab me from the first frame, fellas! This is most certainly not something I could see any time I want just by going to my dad’s house.
• MIDDLE: Old Man stares at bottles, looks for shit, sets shit up, begins to make what is presumably the alcoholic beverage of the title. This is where the video should have STARTED. Why the fuck do I wanna watch this dude do this shit for so long? The creation of tequila might very well be a fascinating process, but this is a music video for a pagan folk metal band, not the fucking Discovery Channel. You’re not teaching me anything, nor do you have the means to teach me anything. So why are you making me watch an old man walk around and look at stuff and pour things?
• END: Old Man lays down for awhile, and when he gets up, he takes a sip of his tequila. I can’t believe that’s how it ENDS. It’s like the equivalent of watching a Batman movie where Batman and Alfred move all of Batman’s stuff into the Batcave, and then the Bat Signal goes up, and then the credits roll.

So, uh, yeah. I don’t like this video.

Anyways, here it is:

Wait, wrong video. Okay, here it is:

“Tequila” will be on Korpiklanni’s new album, Ukon Wacka, which Nuclear Blast will release in Europe on February 4. The rest of us can go wacka our ukons, I guess.

-AR