CINEMETAL ROUND-UP: NEW VIDEOS FROM MUDERDOLLS, THE SWORD, ENFORCER, AND WE CAME AS ROMANS

Alright, let’s Pauline Kael these bitches.

First up today is “Nowhere,” by Muderdolls. As in, “We ain’t goin’ nowhere ’cause we had to cancel our tour .”

ANYWAY, when this video started, I was like, “Oh, a chick in bed. I can get behind this concept.” But then I realized it wasn’t a chick, it was a Murderdoll. And so then Joey and Wednesday 13 are on the phone and Wednesday 13 is bummed for some reason and Joey is all, “You wanna go somewhere?” and Wednesday 13 is all “Yeah.” And then Joey gets in his cool car in slow motion, and then Axl gets bored and turns the video off.

When did this band start taking themselves so seriously? Remember when all their songs had names like “197666” and “Love at First Fright” and lyrics like “I don’t wanna meet your mom and dad/Unless you let me fuck your mom and dress your dad in drag?” All this angst is so sleeeeeeeeepy.

Next up we have “Lawless Lands” by The Sword. My advice to you would be to not watch this video sober. I don’t think it will make much sense either way, but at least you’ll enjoy all the trippy imagery if you get right first.

Next is “Midnight Vice,” from Enforcer. I’m really over it with this retro shit. If I wanna see young people pretending to be older than they really are, then I’ll just go to the bar by the local junior high. Thanks, though.

Finally, we have “To Move On Is To Grow” by We Came As Romans. The nicest thing I can say about this band is that they make me wish I were Helen Keller.

And I didn’t say “mothertruckin’” once.

-AR