GENERIC CHRIST-CORE BAND WITH CHOREOGRAPHED DANCE MOVES AND AUTO-TUNE BREAKS UP

I could of course be talking about any one of a thousand or so bands, so the one in question today happens to be Gwen Stacy, who happened to be signed to Ferret and Solid State Records for what I presume was their ability to get kids karate-choppin their way through the pit (’cause it certainly wasn’t because of their originality) and the obvious cash-cow that is Christian metal. Why news of this particular band’s breakup would be any more upsetting than the breakup of any other band who happens to fit their description would be especially upsetting to anyone is beyond me, but who knows… I guess young kids get attached to shit without really knowing full well that there’s other, better shit out there. Like, I really loved Cheerios when I was a kid until my mom allowed Kix onto the breakfast table — holy shit, my mind was blown! — but I still really like Cheerios, in part probably because they’re familiar.

So, there you have it: Gwen Stacy, the Cheerios of Christian metalcore, have broken up. Thankfully there are a few dozen more generic metalcore bands that wear all black and use auto-tune that can fill the void… and today’s up-and-coming genero-metalcore youngins are even better at the choreographed stage moves! Just sayin’.

-VN