WHY IS ANYONE SURPRISED THAT ICP ARE EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS?

We’ve gotten a lot of e-mails these past few days regarding this interview, in which the members of Insane Clown Posse reveal that they’re actually evangelical Christians. Apparently, this is shocking news, even to the Juggalos — I guess ’cause ICP, with their open love of weed, booze, women, and violence against women, don’t exactly come across as Christ-like.

Personally? I’m not shocked at all. Not in the slightest! Here’s why:

• THEY CLEARLY DON’T UNDERSTAND SCIENCE. ICP’s love of “miracles” and refusal to acknowledge simple scientific concepts such as genetics, weather, evolution, light, and gravity has been well-documented. This alone should have tipped everyone off that they were super-religious; I mean, who the fuck else would think that rainbows, dogs, and magnets are miracles? My dog is sitting on my lap right now, and he just farted. A miracle he is not.
• THEY’RE MORALISTS. They have lyrics about shooting sluts in the face. Seriously. You know who else calls for violent retribution against the allegedly immoral? Yep, you guessed it! Which leads us to the fact that…
• THEY’RE HYPOCRITES. I’m not saying all religious people are hypocrites, and I’m not saying all Christians are hypocrites, and I’m not even saying that all evangelicals are hypocrites. I’m just saying that a LOT of evangelicals and staunchly religious people are hypocrites. ICP love God, but not the part where He instructed Man to “turn the other cheek” and proclaimed, “Vengeance is mine.” (I’m reasonably certain Jesus never said anything about shooting sluts in the face.) Furthermore, their self-proclaimed love of “clown pussy,” for which they apparently have six different words and phrases, would lead you believe that they actually love the very same sluts they claim should be shot in the face; in fact, in the very same song where they discuss the de-facing of sluts, they boast that they “fuck so hard it’ll break they back.” (I’m assuming that the “they” in question is one of these charming ladies.) You know how it seems almost inevitable now that every violently anti-gay right wing leader is going to get caught engaging in homosexual activities? Well, at least ICP are open about preaching one thing while practicing another. If it turns out that these two are actually fucking each other, I don’t think anyone should be shocked.

So there you have it. ICP are evangelicals. Good for them. I hope it makes them happy, and answers all their questions about why their kids look like them, and giraffes have long necks, and shooting stars, and whatever other queries they prefer not to answer via a simple kindergarten education.

Me? I’ll be in Hell with Dio. HALLELUJAH!!!

-AR