UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS WITH THE RED CHORD’S GREG WEEKS: HOW THE NFL’S BIGGEST LOSERS CAN CLAW THEIR WAY BACK TO THE TOP

So, the regular season is a quarter of the way through and we can separate the good from the not so good. I’ve compiled a quick list of suggestions for certain teams (Bills, Lions, Panthers and ‘9ers) to claw their way back to the top. Where muscles and tattoos used to intimidate the enemy, today’s athletes are on ‘roids and look like human coloring books. Here are some ideas that are outside of the box.

Suggestion 1: Have your entire defensive line eat a bunch of Mexican food for breakfast and chase it with a ton of castor oil.

As they shit themselves and vomit all over their opponents’ front line, the distraction, if not the smell alone, will clear a direct path to the QB. I’m not sure how many times this’ll work, seeing as if a human vomits and has diarrhea for the length of a football game they’ll be dead, but it might get at least one slash in the win column.

A quick example: There was a young lady who won the Boston Marathon while having her “lady event” and also pooping. Was she a great runner or did no one want to come close to her? It’s a sports mystery.

Suggestion 2: Murder Nickelback or Kid Rock.

Say you’re a professional athlete and the band you listen to every week before a game to get you all pumped up was brutally murdered — wouldn’t you play just a little bit harder that week? The post-game interviews would rule too. Picture Buffalo Bills OL Geoff Hangartner nearly in tears, describing how he knew he had to give it his all for Sully Erna since he brought us so much great music over the years. Priceless!

Suggestion 3: This one is for Lions fans. Don’t go to the games!

My Detroit insider, i.e. Tasty Hasty from Walls of Jericho, tells me that the owners of the Lions have such great attendance that they don’t need to make changes to the franchise whether they win or lose. As far as being fans, you guys are too good. If the seats are empty you’ll start seeing changes and the Lions could actually win games.

Time to watch Eastbound and Down. See you next week.

-GW

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Photo credit: Chris Fulcher