TOP TEN TYPES OF PEOPLE MOST LIKELY TO ATTEND THE GODSMACK/FFDP TOUR

Yes, Godsuck are touring with The Band That Shall Not Be Named. Yes, this is happening because there is no such thing as God. Yes, this is terrible, terrible news. Luckily, I don’t have to actually attend this tour, and unless you fit the description of  the people on this list, neither will you.

1) Men who ride motorcycles because they have a small penis and need to overcompensate by owning a vehicle that doesn’t have a muffler and consequently makes an incredible amount of noise, so as to ensure that they are always the center of attention.

2) People who think anyone who went to college is “gay.”

3) People who think that anyone who reads for pleasure is “gay.”

4) Women who became grandmothers multiple times over before the age of thirty-five.

4) Women who unironically wear clothes with cheetah print, leopard print, or any pretty much any kind of cat-skin print on them.

5) Men who are nostalgic for that time they fucked that chick who made the mistake of passing out at their frat party.

6) Men who were considered cool in Motley Crue’s heyday and think their band never caught their big break because the world just wasn’t ready to hear the truth, dude.

7) Women who sleep with men who were considered cool in Motley Crue’s heyday and told those men that their band never caught their big break because everyone is just jealous of their talent, baby.

8) Women who routinely use phrases such as “I fell down the stairs,” “it was an accident,” and “you just don’t know him like I do.”

9) “Music journalists” who write for “reputable media outlets” and are forced to cover this shit because it pays the bills.

10) Josh Baskin.

-AR