FRIENDLY REMINDER: CRYSTAL VIPER ARE MORE METAL THAN YOU

I’ve written about Poland’s Crystal Viper before, but if you’re new to MetalSucks and aren’t hip to this band, well, you need to become hip to them ASAFP. This band defines metal. If aliens came down to earth and were all, “Hey, Axl, what is this metal of which you speak?”, I’d give them a Crystal Viper album to take back to their home planet. And then they’d play it on the mothership during take-off ’cause they’d be just that curious, and then the mothership would explode, and charred alien carcasses would rain down all around us. And then Crystal Viper would write a concept album about it.

And now’s a good time to get on board the Crystal Viper train, ’cause they have a new album coming out October 22 on AFM. They’ve named the album Legends, because they’re humble. The cover is art is by the great Chris Moyen, and is so fucking metal I hear it put King Diamond in the hospital.

DUDE. It’s a fucking werewolf with a scythe riding a horse in front of a castle. Like, every other band should just quit. Seriously, just go home. It’s over. It’s done. Crystal Viper ended it. Time to start trying to make country music or some shit, ’cause this ship has muthafuckin’ sailed.

-AR