THE SECOND ANNUAL “RUN METALSUCKS FOR A DAY” CONTEST: VOTE FOR THE WINNER!

Alright, kiddies. There were a lot of good entries this year, but we’ve narrowed the field down to ten finalists who are eligible to win our Second Annual Run MetalSucks for a Day Contest. Now it’s time for you guys to vote and decide who should win. Whomever gets the most votes gets to run MetalSucks for the entire day on Friday, August 27. In case you’ve forgotten the rules, you can read them here. This poll will close at midnight EST on Sunday, August 22.

Have at it! Read the finalists’ entries after the jump.

-Axl & Vince

ENTRY 1) Honeydew Wilkins:

Dear Metal Sucks, here are the following reasons you suck:

– The Joey Belladonna bashing. I’m a Bush man myself, but I’ve never heard anything about Joey talking shit and he’s been super nice the two times I’ve met him. You’re a bunch of meanies with poo poo faces and you eat poop.

-The Limp Bizkit and Korn posts. Whenever I see a headline on Blabbermouth like, “BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE Frontman: ‘We’ve Opened a Lot of Doors For Metal’” I imagine the Blabbermouth editor rubbing his hands together and cackling as he exclaims, “Dance my puppets! Dance!” while all the retards explode in the comments section. I bet you guys do the same thing after posting a Limp Bizkit article. Well it’s not gonna work on me pal!

-I like to think that I’m not a typical internet metal elitist. However, whenever I see a complimentary article posted about IWABO, and I see the accompanying picture or video, I mutter to myself “fuckin ironic hipsters.” That’s not the type of person I am. In fact, some of my best friends are ironic hipsters. It’s your fault that kind of hate comes out of me.

-I attended the colossal failure known as Rocklahoma 09. One of the few highlights from that day was snapping a picture of the most fantastical mullet I have ever seen. I excitedly sent it to you guys, but it never got posted. So basically I went to Rocklahoma and it was all for naught. If I get picked you better believe that shit’s getting posted.

-Your site is the reason I am aware of the existence of Attack Attack and Vampires Everywhere. This is unforgivable.

-My birthday is August 26, so if you don’t give this to me as a gift you suck. (HELL YEAH YOU FUCKIN SUCK!)

ENTRY 2) Mike2:

You suck donkey dicks, because you asked a fucking pornstar to write for you with “It’s a slow news day” as an excuse, you bash on Metallica for any fucking reason possible because “it’s a slow news day”, you talk on and on and on about how your Jewishness makes you better than all of us, you also try to bash on Dave Mustaine, Axl Rose, Slash, Ozzy, Zakk Wylde, Scott Weiland, Gene Simmons (okay, maybe this one can pass, but still…), Vince Neil, every fucking member of Slayer or Slipknot, etc. for any reason possible, you think trOo kvlt black metal is DA SHIT, you haven’t helped Shining (NOR) go to North America yet, you take every opportunity to remind all of us that you wanna suck Devin Townsend’s dick, you leaked the whole Converge album, you thought that band you would never stop talking about back in November-December was the Second Coming, you think Avenged Sevenfold are “decent” and, last but not least, Gary Suarez is still writing for your piece of shit website.

ENTRY 3) Crack Hitler:

Okay.

Off the bat, a minor design suck: Every time I see your page layout (no matter how much weed you bribed your graphic design student friend with to make it look all gnarly and cracked and brutal), It always looks like its printed on one side of a roll of toilet paper, being used both literally and figuratively to clean up the leftover menstrual blood from when you guys had some pale shirts-off fight in your sharehouse about if it was OK say to say that Oceano don’t suck.

Anyway, onto the bigger stuff.

– You don’t rate Neurosis. I mean, really. I can get that you guys maybe don’t go apeshit for Isis, it’s not for everybody. But Neurosis are fucking badass, have been around for 25 years, have an enormous and diverse back catalogue, and are responsible for the existence of a whole heap of the bands you guys have hard-ons for.

– The Brent Hinds beard story thing. Drinking a heap of cough syrup while trying to stay up all night to meet a deadline is probably not such a good idea.

– I’m not going to repost it all here, but I made it pretty clear in the comments of adult film “actress” Bobbi Star’s “article” what I thought about that.

– I know it’s not called Metalrules, but the hate-to-love ratio up in this motherfucker is getting pretty ridiculous, especially for a site run by stoners. I already know Bret Michaels is a douche, and I want to know about some awesome new band that i’ve never heard of really, really badly.

There’s probably a bunch of other stuff, but thanks to the vacuous and rapid-fire intake of information on the internet, my brain is no longer geared to retain any idea for that long. Thanks a lot.

ENTRY 4) Name Not Applicable:

You guys SUCK GINORMOUS ASS because of all the fucking FLASH SHIT that you added to your new layout. Okay, a big ass “Featured Story” scroll is fucking annoying, plus you stuff like 10 fucking advertisements for bands that SUCK ASS on the top, and all of the sudden scrolling down the page takes a FUCKING HOUR and the youtube videos you post take FUCKING FOREVER to load. It makes me so GODDAMN ANGRY at you fucking assholes for changing it I want to throw bricks at your face.

Also, why the FUCK do you care so much about music that really sucks? I’ve read more articles on here about ICP than about Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, and Judas Priest combined! Fucking shit, is this a goddamn RAPCORE blog? And all these posts about Limp Fucking Bizkit… I could be perfectly happy not knowing that Limp Bizkit is making new music, but no, you have to post EVERY NEW SONG like its so fucking important that we listen to the MUSIC that is DESTROYING ALL OTHER MUSIC despite the fact that only cockheads in Ed Hardy t-shirts will listen to it while everyone else listens to the Black Eyed Peas or whoever the fuck people listen to now. And you also add that shit about “I didn’t want to post this”, BUT, oh yes, BUT “it has a guitar solo”. YES, Wes Borland can play a guitar solo. He’s been playing the instrument for at least 15 years, I would hope he could play a shitty guitar solo. I don’t want to hear about it.

A point for the photo contests: Just because some shitty vampire-core band sends you an email promo and you find the picture funny, doesn’t mean you should put their picture as funny caption of the day. WE GET IT: SCENE KIDS LOOK LIKE DOUCHEBAGS. STOP DOING THAT.

FUCK SEVENDUST. FUCK THEM. FUCK.

WHY THE FUCK do none of the tours you sponsor come to upstate NY? Its always the SAME FUCKING ROUTE that has them play NYC as the only NY date. Can’t you at least book a date or two in Syracuse? Rochester? Fucking Albany? I WANT TO SEE SUFFOCATION!!! FUCKING GIVE THEM AN UPSTATE DATE!!!

Thats about it I think.

ENTRY 5) Choronzon:

MS sucks mostly for having way too many guest-writers and part-time contributors that add very little to the actual content. Whatever happened to the tongue-in-cheek, satirical writings of old?

Dallas Coyle’s inside-the-industry articles used to redeem a lot, but he has stopped writing those for some obscure reason. Paul Masvidal/Cynic’s esoteric/abstract colums are a good read – but they are countered by the inane taco ramblings of Justin Foley or whatever emo-core bum you enrolled this week. The whole metal-porn thing is getting old. Bobbi Starr has better stuff to do, I reckon. Plus, now having Sarge D on your payroll pretty much killed Metal Inquisition, the one site was in fact tongue-in-cheek and satirical, yet kept a pulse with the underground, old and new.

Get back to the basics, please, the readership is there now. Exposing and promoting underground metal bands, acts on Century Media, Metal Blade, Nuclear Blast, Relapse, Willowtip or god forbid Sumerian Records hardly classify as “underground”.

The interviews are short and hardly informative, the records get pushed/hyped by the MS staff by whatever means necessary to make the money-pushers happy. You review how many albums a week? 3? Maybe 10 a month, if we’re lucky? Stop pushing the idiotic “scene” bands, there’s enough death/slamcore as it is, you certainly not encourage more bands to pick up instruments and start a band in this genre.

ENTRY 6) VyceVictus:

You suck because, to my knowledge, you have yet to tap into a significant international resource; metal fans stationed all over the world.

Im currently serving in Iraq, although I have actually lived overseas for the past 7 years. I and several other comrades have been fortunate enough to partake in the metal scenes of various countries that have U.S. military bases.

I would like to share some meaningful info about the local metal scenes of various continents. For example, I was involved in the Korean metal/HC/punk/death scene during my stay there, and I know of several others who have some pretty good knowledge about bands local to them that we could share with the MS readers.

Moreover, the one thing Ive learned is that no matter the language barrier, country or culture, everyone loves to get fucked up (as evidenced by my 4-day bender with a town of Bavarians; it is only by Odin’s will that I survived that carnage), but it’s a little harder when you’re trying to find a good place to get wasted that plays decent metal, especially if you’re traveling abroad. I’d like to share my insights for the thirsty headbanging sojourner.

So, pending any mishaps like the great nation of Turkey refusing me entry into their airspace (true fuckin’ story) or attempts to be abducted by terrorists at knife point (not true in the slightest, but that’s what I tells the bitches) i would love to be a sucktastic editor for a day. For your consideration, peace.

ENTRY 7) Sara Petrocelli:

You guys suck for bogarting that joint I know you’re passing around at this very moment.

ENTRY 8) Colin O’Connor:

IWABO.

ENTRY 9) metallicbrian:

This website sucks worse than Vince Neil’s driving record.

ENTRY 10) Devon Czekaj:

You suck because you killed Dino eating babies jokes.

You write about generic sludge metal bands all the time out of laziness because you can use the same sound adjectives for each band.

You suck because hype up pointless countdown lists and then drag out the entries even though by the end all anyone thinks is, “Well that was a waste of bandwidth.”

You suck for encouraging Justin Foley to pursue his quest for the “Taco Riff”, something that only exists in his head, but nobody wants to admit so they pretend to act all intellectual and give their own examples of what they only hope is what he’s hearing. Tacos also suck, enchiladas are better.

You also suck because there is no way near enough Dan Swanö love here.