BOY, THESE DEATHCORE BANDS JUST KEEP GETTING YOUNGER AND YOUNGER

I’m not exactly an old man or anything like that (yet), but I have, like our pal Doc Coyle, been struggling to come to terms with no longer being the young dude at shows anymore. More and more, when I got to interview bands, I’m actually interviewing guys who are younger than I am, which somehow feels weird — but not as weird as looking around while we were standing near the front during Animals as Leaders’ set at Summer Slaughter and thinking “Hm, we are way out of place up here. We should probably go find all the other old fogies back by the bar.” Which, indeed, is where we found our friends.

So, yeah. I’m not the youngest guy at the show anymore.

But this band In Death I Rise — formerly known as Buried by the Ocean — would make anyone with even the slightest amount of pubic hair feel like John McCain.

So, y’know. In case there was any doubt that horrible, generic deathcore takes little to no skill to play, we have this group of tykes, who, I imagine, are not as big as the instruments they play.

How old do you think these kids are, actually? It doesn’t say on their MySpace page, but I’m gonna guess that the oldest one might — might — be thirteen. But if you told me the age range was more like 10 – 11, I wouldn’t be at all surprised. (Incidentally, the drummer apparently goes by the name “Little Dude.” I don’t know if that’s because he’s a late bloomer, or he’s actually younger than his band mates. For the sake of having the least painful high school experience possible, I hope he’s not a late bloomer.)

So these are kids and their music is terrible and because they’re kids that’s certainly forgivable… as long as they cut this shit out sometime in the near future. I mean, one of them is wearing a Faceless shirt and one of them is wearing a Black Dahlia Murder shirt, and even though some wise-ass in the comments section will surely suggest otherwise, you’d think that if they like The Faceless and BDM, they’d know better than to play music that makes Oceano sound like Mozart.

Meanwhile, I’d like to know who this lil’ dude’s parents are, ’cause he most certainly was not able to get those giant-ass things in his ears without someone signing a permission slip or something. In fact, I know that those things can’t just be shoved in at that size — it’s a gradual process which takes some time. So figure he’s about twelve years old now… is it possible he started putting those in when he was like nine or ten? Is my math at all correct? I don’t really know ’cause I actually like my ear lobes and would never do that to myself. But if I’m right… holy shit, that is some great fucking parenting, ain’t it?

Anyways, it looks like the band still needs a bass player, so if any of you live in the New Jersey area and have a little brother who plays bass and looks forward to someday being extrememly embarrassed by the indiscretions of his pre-adolescence, well, here’s his shot!

-AR

Thanks to B-dizzle for the tip!