UH, IS BRET MICHAELS HEALTHY ENOUGH TO STFU?

Maybe I’m a jerk, but it’s always blown my mind that Poison singer Bret Michaels has, like, never hit a correct pitch, ever. On any song. Or during any recorded live footage. One could go so far as to imply that Michaels may have never taken a singing lesson or hired a voice coach or even fucked the mouth of a karaoke contest winner. He’s a good guy, you can tell. And of course, I respect the party prowess of Bret Michaels, lovable skank-wrangler. It’s just that my ears want revenge on Bret Michaels, singer.

Also remarkable about the Michaels saga, which only recently turned scary and hammy, is the possibility that Bret-skis — for like twenty years — has somehow stood up to producers and record label honchos and his bandmates and reason and good taste, and has never seemed to mix-fix or pro-tools the living shit out of his takes. Good for him! Why cheat on a test that doesn’t matter? That dude is fucking rich anyway, and at least one of his records is a classic (next week, you’ll see that Allyson from BringBackGlam.com disagrees with me about which one), and I’m pretty sure he’s indestructible, because his brain basically exploded and yet he remains alive as fuck. My hat is way off to Bret.

However. It’s about time that someone tip Bret to the fact that he’s over-Oprahing his return from death’s doorstep. He’s gone total cheesecorn and his orange fingerprints are everywhere. Teary interviews. Book deals. Mortality-themed bandanas. And Tuesday night Star reports that now he’s gone and proposed marriage to his best girl from days gone by? Marriage, Bret? I guess this means the story arc of his new show, Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It, involves redemption or something. What’s next? Singing lessons?

-ADF

Read more about Bret Michaels and other guys who don’t sing great but no one minds all next week when MetalSucks brings back glam with Allyson B. Crawford of BringBackGlam.com. Read it or we’ll fuck your mom. Again.