DIMMU BORGIR SHOW YOU THEIR ASS CRACK AND NOT MUCH ELSE

If you’re the kind of guy who gets excited when girls in thongs are somehow unaware that top half of their ass is hanging out (and by “unaware,” I mean “Jesus H. Christ, fathers, hug your daughters more because they’re all growing up to be whores and that’s totally okay with sleaze bags like me but let’s be real here you probably don’t want your daughter bringing home a sleaze bag like me”), then you will probably be excited by the news that Dimmu Borgir are unveiling the album art for their latest, still to-be-titled offering in four pieces, the first of which you can see here.

Personally — and I say this as someone who is totally fine with how starved women have become for attention — I’ve never really understood this whole “unveil the art piecemeal” thing. I’m all for building anticipation, but no one other than the band’s hardcore fans is gonna care, ’cause right now, there is almost nothing to look at. Maybe by the time the second piece has been posted, but right now… well, I spent about as much time looking at this sliver as the Griswolds did admiring the Grand Canyon.

Meanwhile, how do we think the new Dimmu album will sound? As far as I’m aware, the band still hasn’t replaced ICS Vortex and Mustis, who split from the group last year amid a flurry of drama. And I heard a rumor from a very reputable source about who was getting the offer for Mr. Vortex’s old job, and… Jesus Christ, if that’s the level of musician they’re pursuing, get ready for this band to be a punchline in record time. Now, mercifully, I hear this dude passed on the gig (for reasons I can’t fathom — I know he needs a job and he’s not gonna get any better offers than this); let’s hope the actual replacement is someone way cooler, ’cause this guy would have made would make a really, really shitty addition to their roster.

-AR