ENCORE PERFORMANCES: A GUIDE TO THE BIG FOUR LIVE BY SATELLITE

Hey Suckfaces, the Big Four live in Sofia, Bulgaria concert/movie thingy has encore showings tomorrow in select markets and you should totally go! It’s the most fun ever. Even if you’re lukewarm on a band/the bands, the theater-going experience is novel and pretty easy to like. It’s communal (like a concert) and comfortable (good for old people who listen to the Big Four). Plus, the little things: set breaks are excised; the audio is that Live Aid quality which disguises not even the smallest flub or shortcut, almost sickeningly real; close-ups of guitar shredding abound; and mosh pits are way more fun in a movie theater.

But if you just can’t make it to this exciting cinema-concert event cuz you’re in jail still from the Lakers celebration parade or you’re a piteously ugly John Bush fan or whatever, here’s what you’ll miss:

• That the best parts of Anthrax in 2010 are Bello and Belladonna, the singers and white-hot energy bombs.
• That Anthrax’s Scott Ian remains unaware of the difference between a showman and a guy on stage: The former’s first priority is to entertain, the latter will selfishly crush a good vibe so he may unburden himself of personal feelings. So here’s Scott, all earnest, at the end of the Anthrax set: “We’re fucking proud to be here. It’s a fuckin’ honor.” Okay, actually that might not seem so bad in print, but the crowd was like “Why are you yelling at us?” Cutaways revealed a nearby Joey Belladonna pointing into the front rows while mock-smoking invisible joints and then miming a hit from a Red Bull can-bong. That’s a showman.
• That it’s hilarious when Belladonna squeals during the crowd participation segment of “Anti-Social” to fans at stage left: “Fuck yeah, myan! That’s the shit!“
• That Anthrax’s mini-tribute to Ronnie James Dio (a third of “Heaven and Hell”) was cuddly and classy, but clearly too brief for Belladonna, who stapled a line from “The Man on the Silver Mountain” to the outros of both “Indians” and “I Am The Law”
• That Dave Mustaine’s solos are out of tune, his modest upper register unreachable, his temperature on stage insufficient to produce a drip from a popsicle. So yeah. No change.
• That Chris Broderick is a killer guitarist and a hunk but is unable to reliably spell the word “freedom.”
• That “Skin O’ My Teeth” still sounds exactly like “Liar.”
• That Megadeth is the greenest metal band ever; they really conserve an impressive amount of energy on stage while playing music.
• That uh what the fuck is with that song “Headcrusher”? I got dumber just typing its title.
• That there is something called “old man’s mouth” (characterized by that jiggly slackness around the chin and mild gumminess), a condition that afflicts half of tonight’s lead singers.
• That Mustaine should star in a feature film about a talented but cowardly bus driver who, after being fired from his previous bus-driving gig, is about to accept a new job in a new city as a bus driver but only on the condition that he never has to check his mirrors. Cuz he’s that fuckin’ good.
• That there’s a different, post-back surgery Tom Araya fronting Slayer in 2010. He gets caught away from the mic a couple times, but might not be mobile enough to dash over and pick up the verses. Don’t misunderstand — Araya is singing great when he’s singing, so that means he’s not like out of shape, right? Must be a back pain thing. He even holds his bass a bit differently, strumming over the fretboard and doing the won’t-spill-your-drink dance favored by reggae people. Slappa de beiss!
• That Jeff Hanneman’s solos were 100% incoherent tremolo picking. Nigel Tufnel is calling his lawyers.
• That Jeff Hanneman is proud of his guitar graphics with his last name (“Hanneman”) taking the place of popular product logos (here). Heineken is calling their lawyers.
• That shut my mouth Jeff Hanneman is fucking sponsored by Heineken.
• That Jeff Hanneman’s services are required in Slayer through 2035, so I gently remind him that in the name of good health his weight needs to come down a bit. On a related note: Please don’t punch me in the balls, Jeff Hanneman.
• That Kerry King could drop about six pounds instantly by detaching that turd sausage from his chin cuz 1993 wants it back. On a related note: Not the face, Kerry King.
• That unknowingly you’ve been missing good old fashioned guitar technique, inefficient guitar technique, with all sorts of unnecessary swoops and flailing and elbow picking. You’re sick to death of the overly-measured, perfectly precise players whose youtubes make you cry cuz the players are in junior high but already better than you. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh that’s right, eat shit young people.
• That a 30-person mosh pit is possible in a darkened movie theater’s sliver of no-man’s land between row one and screen.
• That a one-person security force can disperse a 30-person mosh pit by waving a flashlight emphatically in their midst.
• That during Metallica’s taped intro there’s a suspiciously impressionistic shot of a concertgoer’s hands nervously wringing above the crowd. Which about sums up Metallica since 1990.
• That Kirk Hammett, not to be outdone by Hanneman, also has a collection of guitars with theme graphics. Kirk’s feature classic monster movie poster art from Frankenstein and other movies that symbolize repressed homosexuality.
• That it’s easy to tell what James Hetfield looks like while masturbating: exactly how he looks when trying to play “Creeping Death” at Lars’ crackhead double-time.
• That it’s easy to tell what a Hetfield-Trujillo porno would look like: exactly how it looks when Hetfield greets a crab-walking Trujillo at center stage with a painful grandpa-squat that seems to suggest imminent dick-bumping.
• That whoever is in charge of grooming Hetfield is doing a superlative job. The smooth skin, the tailored shirts, the tan! The haircut! Yes, this is the singer of Metallica we’re talking about. Jesus.
• That Metallica is suffering from a terminal case of Beatles’ Disease, where a band’s live performance quality slips due to audience neglect. In The Beatles’ case, the audience neglected to ever shut up long enough to hear the band’s performance; in Metallica’s case, their fans neglect to ever boo the living shit out of them during and after suckass performances like the one in Sofia, Bulgaria on June 22, 2010.
• That The Big Four is now a registered trademark of LarsCorp.

Go here for info about the Big Four Live from Sofia, Bulgaria movie theater satellite thingy’s encore performances on Thursday, June 24. Seriously, you’ll have an amazing time!

–ADF