THE AT-BAT MUSIC MUSIC OF THE NEW YORK METS: METAL OR NOT METAL?

This edition of Metal Mets is written by none other than Decibel Magazine managing editor and die-hard Mets fan Andrew Bonazelli! We thank Andrew for his contribution, and welcome him a respite from his most unfortunate current home of Philthydelphia any time he’d like.

It’s an honor to take the reins on Vince’s (not recurring enough) Metal Mets column this month. As for actually complimenting our beloved collection of past and future choke-artists, despite their mildly surprising 35-28 record this morning… well, I’m going to go as easy on them as they do on me.

I’ve belabored this point to death elsewhere, but as much as Vince and I (and Mookie Singerman, and Scott Kelly, etc.) wish the contrary, pro ballplayers do not give a flying fuck about extreme music. Twins reliever Pat Neshek is probably the only active player who can speak in polysyllable about the Red Chord or Isis. So, it’s no surprise that the Mets are but one of 30 teams whose starting lineup comes out to at-bat music that totally gargles balls. This is not just from a metalhead’s perspective, mind you, but a Person Who Values Their Sanity’s. Let’s grade their selections (with special thanks to the forum-crawlers at operationsports.com for collecting this crap):

Jose Reyes
“All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled
“El Sapito” by Villanosam
“Watagatapitusberry” by Black Point

Not white, presumably has little interest in USBM cassette-trading. Also “the most exciting player in baseball,” hence he gets a pass. DJ Khaled’s “WE THE BEST” shtick is pretty fucking annoying, for the three of you in MetalSucks land who have listened to him, which certainly aligns with how Jose is perceived by opposing fans. Whatever.
GRADE: Incomplete

Angel Pagan
“I Wanna Rock” by Snoop Dogg
“Grito Mundial” by Daddy Yankee
“Descontrol” by Daddy Yankee
“Te Veo Nena” by El Gran Combo de Puerto Rico

Our once and future overachieving fourth outfielder. Could the first song be Snoop covering Twisted Sister? Checking YouTube… uh, fuck no. That said, like Jose, not white, does not live in parents’ attic, has never considered setting a place of mass worship ablaze. Although, with his name he should totally be a Heaven & Hell fan. Another pass.
GRADE: Incomplete

David Wright
“Ladies and Gentlemen” by Saliva
“Blow Me Away” by Breaking Benjamin
“Too Much” by Dave Matthews Band

You know, two years ago pretty boy was considering coming out to Nas’ “New York State of Mind.” (“I ain’t the type of brother made for you to start testin’ / Give me a Smith & Wesson, I’ll have niggas undressin’”). Now the rotation is two Decibot bands and the Lord of the Hacky Sacks? I tried to defend this guy when Matt Cain almost decapitated him last year and he wore the Gazoo helmet for like four innings, but FUCK.
GRADE: D-

Ike Davis
“Start Me Up” by the Rolling Stones
“Panama” by Van Halen
“You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC

Dude, Christ, you’re 23. Albums have been released since 1984. Consult Jason Michaels about the wonders of Killswitch Engage. Or don’t.
GRADE: C+

Jason Bay
“The Fixer” by Pearl Jam

The only thing heavy about this dude is his swing, which would explain his pathetic four dingers to date. He played in Pittsburgh most of his career—Zombi would be more appropriate at this point.
GRADE: C-

Rod Barajas
“Low Rider” by War
“Dead Wrong” by Notorious B.I.G.
“Ecstasy” by Rusted Root
“Summer Love” by Justin Timberlake
“Catch My Disease” by Ben Lee
“In Da Club” by 50 Cent
“California Love” by 2Pac

Sweet Jesus, seven songs. Three from huge sopping pussies, two from hip-hop legends, one from a purple-lipped ’roid freak not named Alex Rodriguez, one from a band Korn covered like 15 years ago. As long as he keeps crushing homers against the Phillies, I can deal.
GRADE: B-

Jeff Francoeur
“Southern Voice” by Tim McGraw
“Hillbilly Bone” by Blake Shelton
“Hard” by Rihanna
“I Go Back” by Kenny Chesney
“Baba O’Riley” by the Who

YOU’RE NOT IN ATLANTA ANYMORE, HOLMES. Should listen to more death metal. The “chopper blade” effect mimics his swing pretty accurately. His nickname’s “Frenchy”—Neshek needs to turn him onto some Gojira (preferably after we trade him for mid-level prospects). Rihanna rules, though.
GRADE: D+

Luis Castillo, Alex Cora, Ruben Tejada
(Rotating Cast of Shitty/Undeveloped 2Bs)

Castillo:
“On to the Next One” by Jay-Z

Cora:
“Run This Town” by Jay-Z
“Maria Lionza” by Ruben Blades
“All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled

Tejada:
“Ecstasy” by Rusted Root
“Rebel Yell” by Billy Idol

Jay-Z’s a Yankees fan. Fuck this shit.
GRADE: F

-AB