RYAN ADAMS: NOT CONTENT TO JUST F*CK UP A DIO COVER

June 9th, 2010 at 11:30am
Axl Rosenberg

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Musically speaking, I can think of way worse people than Ryan Adams. But insofar as haircut models and metal fans go, I’d really like to take a shit in the guy’s mouth.

First of all – and I say this as a dude who is often told he “doesn’t look metal” – if you marry Mandy Moore, you forfeit your right to wear a Kreator shirt. I know that’s a really arbitrary rule and, no, I can’t back it up with thought or logic, but it’s still a rule ’cause I say so.

Second of all, if you’ve ever called the lyrics on Death Magnetic “profound,” shove your favorite Kreator shirt up your ass. (“What don’t kill ya makes ya more strong.” Yep, that’s some John Donne shit right there.)

And third of all, if you’ve ever written an ironic metal song called “Evil Weekend” for a band called “Werewolph,”pull that Kreator shirt out of your ass and hang yourself with it.

Unfortunately, I am powerless to prevent the evils caused by this man who has the same haircut my mom had in the seventies. And so our friend Stabitha Christie at Metal Insider tell us that Mr. Adams “has written eleven songs inspired by Dio’s funeral.”

So, the obvious question is: Why? Why does Ryan Adams want to make songs about Dio’s funeral? Because there were five crazy protestors there? Or because there were 1,200+ Dio fans in attendance, many of whom were very likely metal dorks of the highest order? Was he incredibly moved by the service? Did the words of Eddie Trunk stir something deep within him? Does anyone happen to know if he was even there – or was he really inspired to write a full album’s worth of material by secondhand news reports?

I guess what I’m saying is: I doubt Adams’ sincerity. That’s definitely not fair of me – I don’t know Adams and I have no idea what his intentions are, and it’s entirely possible that he was legitimately inspired by the memorial service, and is earnestly paying tribute to Dio.

Then again, “Evil Weekend.”

So when Stabitha asserts that Adams is just trying to raise his Search Engine Optimization… well, I’m inclined to agree with her.