“YOU GET A SUBARACHNOID BRAIN HEMORRHAGE! YOU GET A SUBARACHNOID BRAIN HEMORRHAGE! YOU GET A SUBARACHNOID BRAIN HEMORRHAGE!”

One of the awesome things about narrowly cheating death is that you get to exploit your plight for publicity and money. (I think your estate probably makes even more money when you die, but that’s no good to you unless you’re the kind of person who cares more about your family than your own personal desires, in which case you’re probably not very famous.) Case in point: Bret Michaels, recent survivor of a subarachnoid brain hemorrhage. He’s apparently getting another VH1 reality show, this one about life at home when he’s not on the road – so, in other words, a show that’s gonna be boring, and will most likely make you hate the Michaels clan as much as you hate the Osbournes. (Except Bret is single, so it should have a kind warm, kinda-fuzzy Full House feeling – y’know, the outrageous exploits of a single dad and all that.) He’s also one of two finalists on Celebrity Apprentice; he attained that status prior to his time in the hospital, but I’d wager he’s gonna win it now for sure.

Plus, he’s on Oprah! ‘Cause she’s not proof that there’s no God or anything like that. And that bitch clearly reads MetalSucks and is stealing material from us, ’cause in this video she cracks wise about him wearing his bandana in the hospital, and no one could have possibly noticed that picture and thought it was weird besides me. I am a beautiful and unique snowflake.

Do you think she’ll make his upcoming autobiography part of her book club? It’s sure to be as true-to-history as A Million Little Pieces and is gonna outsell The Bible anyway, so might as well get a piece of that action. Stedman needs a new pair of shoes, baby!

-AR

[via Talksalot]