RICHY NIX: METAL’S ANSWER TO EBOLA

See that logo in the lower left hand corner? Yep, this panty stain is signed to a major label. Proving once again that unless they’re handing Mastodon an advance and then getting the fuck out of the way, major labels have no business tipping their toe in the metal pond.

Richy Nix is like a perfect storm of “fuck you” – he raps (very, very badly), he uses vocoder, he unironically flashes the “west side” hand sign even though he’s white and I don’t even think black people have done that since the mid-90s, and he’s Canadian. And, oh yeah, he calls himself “Richy Nix.” I mean, that could be his real name, but only if his parents were retarded circus freaks or single-cell organisms, which, I suppose, could very well be the case.

Remember the beginning of 28 Days Later, when those scientists have created a rage virus because “to cure something you need to understand it first,” or some silly shit like that? Well, I’m fairly certain that this anal wart was grown in a Petri dish in a lab where the scientists were trying to cure annoying, and they first needed the most irritating thing EVER so that they could figure out how the fuck to kill it. Only they didn’t kill it, they accidentally let it escape and sign a record deal with Universal.

I just e-mailed the link for this shit-sucking waste of air to Vince, and his entire response was as follows:

“OH MY GOD. WHAT IS THIS?”

Then I played a Richy Nix song for a new writer we just hired. Fifteen seconds in, she doused herself in gasoline and lit a match. And I’d argue she got off easy – she never lived to hear the “chorus.”

The worst part is that there’s little doubt in my mind that Richy Nix – who shall heretofore be known at the MetalSucks Mansion as “Itchy Dix,” ’cause we’re mature like that – is going to be HUGE. He’s gonna make Hollywood Undead, Attack Attack!, and Limp Bizkit look about as fiscally successful as Burzum, Repulsion, and The Meat Shits. There’s really nothing to do now but hope that the giant volcano beneath Yellowstone explodes, blocks out the sun, and kills us all. Actually, that might be Itchy Dix’s intention. He might be like the evil wind in The Happening.

I need to go smoke some weed and call my therapist. I can’t deal with this. FUCK. I think I’m gonna cry. Nope, too late, I’m crying.

-AR

[I first read about Itchy Dix on Noisecreep. What the fuck, Noisecreep? I thought we were friends!]