‘SH*TSTAIN’ ALUMNI VAMPIRES EVERYWHERE SIGN TO CENTURY MEDIA. VINCE CRIES, THEN REJOICES.

Shitstain on the Ass of the Universe alumni Vampires Everywhere have signed with Century Media, a press release tells us. I first bestowed the vaulted “Shitstain” status upon Vampires Everywhere just one month ago and proclaimed, “So help me God if this band ends up with a record deal.” Then when I found out Century was making my worst fears come true I got simultaneously really fucking angry and really upset. Why should a band like this that’s obviously just chasing trends and possesses zero originality get signed to a major metal record label when hundreds of extremely talented and deserving bands get passed over on a daily basis? It’s fucked up, to be sure.

But then a funny thing happened; I realized that this signing is actually really good for metal in general.

Signing a band like Vampires Everywhere is obviously a cash-in on the record label’s part, and anyone who works at Century Media will surely tell you as much off the record; Century Media knows full well that a band like this is going to appeal to young kids who will unabashedly spend their parents’ money buying shirts, hoodies, posters, belt buckles, vampire fangs and whatever the fuck else Century decides to issue. It’s a cash cow for now, and 3 years down the road when the cycle for this kind of music has run its course and Vampires Everywhere won’t even be able to draw 15 fat chicks to their VFW hall show in buttfuck Ohio, Century will still have made off well on their investment.

Call it “Nickelback Syndrome.” This band is going to [hopefully] make Century assloads of money that they’ll then be able to turn around and invest in better, more deserving bands that don’t sell many records and don’t have an army of swoopy-haircut-wearing kids who don’t know any better to spend tons of money on merch in order to fit in. For every Vampires Everywhere there’s an Orphaned Land, an Intronaut, a Daath, a Dark Fortress and a Nachtmystium, bands that are likely losing the label money right now or, at best, making them a small amount.

So fuck it. I say “Bravo!” to Century Media for signing this cocksucking trend-following no-talent asswipe butt dumpling-eating motherfucking shitstain on the ass of the universe. If this project allows Century to keep releasing records by all of the above bands, I’m all for it.

-VN