PREDICTION: KERRY KING TO COCKPUNCH DAVE MUSTAINE

No one can fault Dave Mustaine for putting together a tour in lieu of the stillborn American Carnage trek. But as always the Megadeth frontman aims for maximum annoyance and as such his new tour is a brazen approximation of Carnage minus Slayer. As a member of Slayer, Kerry King must be distressed to find that there’s a nearly identical alternative to his tour on the market — complete with Testament and Exodus, for a total of three thrash metal greats, just like Carnage — that’s sure to distract ticket-buyers and cool walk-up sales. And in light of the recent King-Mustaine cuddlefest at T.G.I.Friday’s, one could argue it’s yet another of Mustaine’s unconscionable and self-destructive backstabbings, at which he is only second to Eddie Van Halen in proficiency. (Unlike lead guitar playing, at which Mustaine is second in proficiency to dozens. Cheap shot alert!)

To make matters worse, ‘Staine and Megadeth will use the new tour to celebrate their last great record, Rust In Peace, y’know, to add a sack-tap to this already historic cockblock. So it was already getting silly by the time the announcement came yesterday that Megadeth’s only other real member, the embittered former Mustaine bum chum David Ellefson, he of history’s greatest metal bass performance and reams of anti-Mustaine bitching, would return to the pasty creases of the Mus-taint for bass duties on the big tour. Yet more juice for the non-Slayer shows. What’s next, the return of RiP guitarist Marty Friedman? (Um please?)

Then again, shit, once cuddlebear Tom Araya went down with a bad back and Carnage had to be moved, things happened so fast that possibly Mustegadeth is making do with Testament (though, without Alex Skolnick, are they truly available?) and the still-hungry Exodus. Still, considering Mustaine’s um attitudes and complexes and record of jerk-off behavior, one could imagine these events sending King into a state of apoplectic rage as, like, his skull tattoos turn scarlet and steam blasts from his collar. Then he clutches his fists to the sky and screams “Mustaaaaaaaaaaaine!” Well, I did anyway.

–ADF

Anso DF is a former music journalist who has signed to Favored Nations for his all guitar solo album. Literally no songs or time signatures or backing instruments — just solo guitar. Click here for the first single, “Pick Scrapes in Gm”.