WELL THERE’S A SHOCKER: COLD’S SCOOTER WARD DOESN’T ACTUALLY LISTEN TO MUSIC

Scooter Ward, as photographed by Neil Zlozower.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, through some amazing technology created by the MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys, we are able to take you inside the brain of an intelligent person as they are subjected to a recording by Cold:

Holy shit… what is this garbage? Do people really like this? Seriously? There are people who like this. Of all the music in the world, this is what some people choose to listen to. Uh-huh. Are the people who made this drek aware that they’re doing such a shit job? Do the members of this band actually listen to music?

Well, as it turns, the answer is, “No.” No, they don’t actually listen to music. So says Noisecreep:

“I don’t listen to music,” Cold frontman Scooter Ward exclusively admits to Noisecreep via phone from a zoo in Florida. “I keep games on my iPod. I’ve never really told anybody that before, except for my girlfriend.”

Cold fans, relax. While Ward might not be burning up his credit card on iTunes, this doesn’t mean his love for music is waning. In fact, it’s just the opposite. He’s in a very prolific stage of his life right now, having just finished an album with his side project, the Killer and the Star, and putting the finishing touches on Cold’s upcoming release, ‘Epic.’

“I think the last two years, with being so busy and creating the Killer and the Star and making that record — then starting again with Cold, then the Killer and the Star tour …” Ward trails off, pondering the situation. “I think I locked myself out. I had so much music going around every day, I just kind of shut it off. I figure you gotta relax a minute.”

Well, there ya have it, folks. A man who loves music so much he never actually listens to any that he didn’t create. And Stephanie Meyer has admitted that she hasn’t read any famous vampire fiction, or any horror at all. Now if we could just get Michael Bay to admit that he actually hates movies, the world might make sense again.

While we wait for Mr. Bay to come out of the closet, I’d just like to make sure that you all remember this simple lesson: NEVER TRUST SOMEONE WHO CALLS HIMSELF “SCOOTER.” Only bad things will come of it.

-AR