I LOVE, VOW TO DESTROY AEROSMITH

No offense, but does anyone else find it hard to trust metal websites whose titles don’t include the actual word “metal?” Take AOL’s Noisecreep. To me “noise” is what fills Merzbow’s fifteen yearly albums; “creep” is a moanthem by poutypants Radiohead. But only petty jerks care about names (cough). Plus, Noisecreep scribe Carlos Ramirez is both awesome and author to the year’s most wondrous metal journalism surprise: a candid Q&A with Ratt producer Beau Hill. It appeared in November, oddly apropos of nothing, and without any substantive mention of an upcoming project. (Sure, Ratt’s eighth record is slated for a 2010 release, but Hill’s not working on it. The Chevelle guy is. Great.)

Anyway, the too brief interview kinda outs Ramirez as a fellow producer fanboy, an unsexy pursuit for sure. Still, I can conclude that’d he’d have my back should I challenge Aerosmith to a fucking battery fight in West L.A this weekend. What’s my beef with them? Thanks for asking, champ! See, I love Aerosmith like ,seriously and so I can overlook watered-down pop records and obnoxious over-marketing. Fucktarded promo videos with sexy chicks don’t bother me either. And, honestly, Tyler’s much-discussed antagonism of his band mates and almost certain return to substance abuse only make me love him more. To party with him these days would actually be fun; those other grandpas would only prattle on about their memoirs or music made by their kids. Gag. Meanwhile, Tyler would be like Alfred Molina in Boogie Nights.

Shit anyway, what me and (ostensibly) Ramirez will not tolerate is Tyler’s shameful Producer Abuse (PA), as detailed in Rolling Stone’s interviews with the jilted non-Tyler Aerosmithers. Guitarist Brad Whitford eulogizes Tyler’s latest victim, Brendan O’Brien (Mastodon, Raging Slab):

Now there’s a very sad moment we had. The gentleman that we had was number one on our wish list and it was very exciting for us to be working with Brendan. I don’t think it lasted more than two, three weeks. And he bent over backwards to do whatever he could to make Steven comfortable.

As I recall, [it was that] he didn’t like working with Brendan. You couldn’t ask for a nicer person or a more talented musician and producer than Brendan.

Asshole! I was pissed already about the empty promise of hiring Steve Lillywhite an eternity ago; now these ballbags are telling me that they stood by while their singer – undoubtedly aided by his “companion” Mark Hudson – alienated the A+ list producer who paused from making records that actually matter to humor five geriatric no-writing, ego-tripping, hip-breaking, head-denting, vicodin-gobbling, banana-peeling dickholes? O’Brien’s honor must be avenged. The parking lot of Carl’s Jr. on Venice and Sepulveda. Saturday night. Be there, Aerosmith.

– ADF