Varg Vikernes Feels Guilty About Enjoying Sex with Men

They call that beard a “cum catcher.”

So Varg Vikernes was released from prison earlier in ’09 after serving a sixteen year stint for murdering his band mate, Øystein Aarseth, AKA “Euronymous.” If episodes of Oz, and just about every other television show, movie, or book ever made about life in prison, are to be believed, than we can safely assume that during that time he had sex with men. Whether he was a top or a bottom is not relevant, despite what some redneck asswipes would have you believe; engaging in sexual activities with a member of your own sex is, by its very definition, homosexual.

I think Varg really enjoyed doin’ the deed with dudes – I mean, look how happy he is in that picture! – but I guess his religious guilt (because, let’s be real, he can protest Christianity all he wants, but all anti-homosexual sentiment is based in organized religion) must be getting the best of him, because he’s just released the following statement about the new Burzum album, subtlely titled Den Hvite Guden, which means – wait for it – The White God:

“As you might already know, my dear ladies and gentlemen, and others individuals too, I am no friend of the modern so-called black metal culture. It is a tasteless, low-brow parody of Norwegian so-called black metal anno 1991-1992, and if it was up to me, it would meet its dishonourable end as soon as possible. However, rather than abandon my own music, only because others have soiled its name by claiming to have something in common with it, I will stick to it. The ‘black metallers’ will probably continue to ‘get loaded,’ ‘get high,’ and in all other manners too behave like the stereotypical Negro; they will probably continue to get foreign tribal tattoos, dress, walk, talk, look and act like homosexuals, and so forth. Some of the ‘black metallers,’ their fans and accomplices will probably even continue to pretend — and actually believe — they have something in common with Burzum, but let me assure you; they don’t! I play what can be described as some sort of metal music, all right, and they do too, but the similarities ends there. Freud wrote books. Tolkien wrote books. The similarities ends there.”

I hope that the release of The White God is followed by a U.S. tour so that us Jews here at MetalSucks can introduce Varg to some of our black and homosexual (and black homosexual!) friends, but I suspect that Varg will just stay in Norway, so as to ensure that he never ever develops any perspective on the lives and cultures of people different from himself, and therefore can continue to make boring music that sounds like it was recorded in the shitter, because it probably was.

Varg, if you hate homosexuals so much, do us all a favor and beat yourself to death.

In conclusion, here’s a photo I found of Varg in prison.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]