OTEP IS GOING TO BUY A PENIS

And I don’t mean a man-whore.

Metal Insider found this blog, hilariously titled “That New Car Smell,” in which extreme music’s most famous lesbian announces that she is undergoing sexual reassignment surgery in order to legally marry her lover, an unnamed “A-list actress.” Some excerpts follow:

I am an American. I love this country. And I realize this decision might cost me my career, the respect of my peers, the love of my own family – but I see no other way.

In order to legally (and morally) marry the woman I love – I have no other choice but to …become A MAN.

Yes, sexual-reassignment surgery.
No, I am not kidding.
I am buying a penis. A real one.

Oh, how I will miss my magnificent breasts and elegant vagina!

But say good-bye, I must. The doctor assures me that my metamorphosis will be a masterpiece that will shame Michelangelo! I will be fitted with two perfectly plump and proportioned testicles and (as the centerpiece) a beautiful, robust and veiny, 8-inch peen.

As an added incentive, they are going to install a free iSex Kit^TM (with optional interchanging LED lights) that uses sensors implanted in the shaft to transmit data to my iPod during coitus so that the speed and rhythm of the music will match the speed and rhythm of the fornication.

As convincing as my surgeon might be, I remain disturbed and concerned. But, ah L’amour, my heart screams that all this is worth it!

My transformation will authenticate my citizenship as a REAL, honest-to-goodness American!

No one – not the church – not the government – NO ONE – can deny me the right to marry as long as I have a peen in my panties.

Obviously, Ms. Shamaya is just kidding around – she goes on to say that “my ‘Patriotic Penis’ was made in a sweatshop by slave labor,” just in case any of the mentally deficient internet trolls still don’t get the not-at-all-subtle satire of the piece.

Now, I’m sure that there are people who read this site who are against same-sex marriage, and will ostensibly think that Otep should go fuck herself. Personally (and I imagine this will shock no one who has ever read this site in the past), I do not give two shits who fucks who or who marries who as long as all parties involved are doing it consensually, and with so many different fucked-up things going on in the world right now, I can’t imagine why anyone would think that worrying about “the sanctity of marriage” is important. It is the very definition of “unimportant.” If we don’t fix the economy, fix the enviornment, get all these wars sorted out, and so and so forth, the fucking world could end. If we allow John to marry Joe, than the gays will be just as miserable as the straights. Whoopdee-doo.

In conclusion: I still wish I liked Otep’s music as much as I enjoy her political rants.

-AR