DONE WITH AEROSMITH

Everyone seems to be losing their shit because it looks like Aerosmith might break-up. I’ve read so many fucking puns on the album title Permanent Vacation this week that I am now 99.9% sure that most people writing about the band have never even heard of another fucking Aerosmith album (See what I did with my headline, fellas? They also have some song titles that could be appropriate for this particular occassion. Get it together, you lazy motherfuckers.). And besides, there’s a couple of things we need to consider:

• AEROSMITH ARE NOT BREAKING UP. Don’t forget that Joe and Steve have fallen-out in the past. They came back together for the same reason they’ll come back together now: money. The Joe Perry Project wasn’t popular twenty years ago, and it won’t be popular now. And Steven Tyler’s solo album might do marginally better, if only for the same reason lead singer’s solo albums often do marginally better than the equivalent albums of their band mates: they’re the front man, and the majority of their fanbase is somehow unaware that they are not the ones responsible for the music the fans love. Steve and Joe are just feeling hormonal right now – menopause is so hard! – and once they realize (again) that the spotlight is (still) a little dimmer when they’re working under the Aeorsmith franchise, they will kiss and make-up (again). So everyone just relax. Because even if they do break-up (which they won’t)…
• AEROSMITH SUCK THE BIG ONE(S) NOW. They are the definition of a “legacy act.” They have not put out a good record in years. And if you so very much look forward to them coming to your town that the thought of never again having the pleasure of watching old men perform “Walk This Way” breaks your heart, well, shoot yourself. You should have far greater things to look forward to than Steven Tyler possibly falling off the stage and spraining his hip. If you do not, you have wasted your life and there is nothing left to do now but die.

In conclusion, Steven Tyler can use those big lips to suck my fucking cock (dude looks like an old lady anyhow). This band should have broken-up ages ago.

-AR