WHAT DO YOU CALL A POLACK WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR? NERGAL.

Full props to our bestest buds at Metal Injection for finding this pretty hilarious story.

So. I guess it’s Vice‘s fifteenth anniversary, and to help celebrate, writer Chris Nieratko dug up a decade old, previously unpublished interview with a certain Behemoth front man. Now, Nieratko played a pretty mean-spirited trick on Nergal – whose first language isn’t English – but that doesn’t negate the fact that the results are fucking funny as hell.

Check out an excerpt:

Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
Locked his what?

His keys in his car.
Yes.

Did you hear about that guy?
Sure.

He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.
Yes, yes. He is very famous in Poland because of this.

Really?
Oh, yes.

Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a theater?
I am not really familiar with that story.

No, They were waiting to see the movie Closed for the Winter.
I did not hear about this. “Closed for the Winter”? No. I’m more into, have you heard of this movie [says crazy long Polish title that even he can’t spell].

Is that like Bladerunner?
No, it’s a Polish movie. Very famous. I though that you might know that one but you do not. It won some awards in Europe and in the US. It’s pretty famous.

But it’s not as good as Closed for the Winter?
I don’t know, I’ve never seen Closed for the Winter.

What happened to the Polish hockey team?
I am not into sports, man.

I heard they all drowned in spring training.
I don’t know. I am not into sports, man. No, not at all. I am into metal. I am a metal-minded metal head.

Do you know any gay Polaks?
Yes, actually one.

Yeah, he sleeps with women right?
Of course. He’s gay.

How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
Oh, they don’t actually.

Yeah they do, I’ll tell you how. They say, “Yellow in the front, brown in the back!”
Now I know because I never use underwears.

Why don’t polish women use vibrators?
Why? I don’t know.

It chips their teeth.
OK. Cool.

And it just goes on and on like this. Now, to Nergal’s credit, he does eventually figure out that he’s being fucked with – and he seems mostly irritated by that fact. And you can’t really blame him – like I said, this is a pretty mean trick.

But you can’t blame for laughing, either.

Read the whole interview here.

-AR