SEBASTIAN BACH, YOU FAT FILTHY F*CK

Sebastian Bach, who is perpetually the most entertaining former rock star in all of hair metaldom, is going to be on yet another fucking reality show – this time VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club, where former “stars” purportedly go to shed some weight, but actually go because their parents didn’t love them enough, causing them to have no sense of self-worth whatsoever if they’re not constantly in the spotlight. Although a VH1 reality show strikes me as a pretty dim spotlight. But whatever.

Bach will be joined by that dude who knocked up Britney Spears, that chick from Charles in Charge I always used to think about while jerking off, crackhead Bobby Brown, and a bunch of people I’ve never heard of.

I guess the last time I actually saw Bach up close was in 2006 when he was hanging from Axl Rose’s nuts all over the world, but in all honesty, the guy looked like he was in pretty good shape. I mean, I’m sure his liver is failing and his septum has been burned-through with coke, but he wasn’t fat or anything. If anyone has seen him more recently and can tell me I’m wrong, please do so. Nothing would make me happier than to learn that Baz had pulled a Brando.

Celebrity Fit Club will start airing in February 2010, by which time I will most certainly have forgotten about it.

-AR