FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH: WAY TOO POPULAR

Luckily for Five Finger Death Punch, being total assholes who completely lack any musical talent isn’t hurting their record sales: their new album, War is the Answer, is apparently going to sell to somewhere between 35,000 – 40,000 copies in its first week of release… and that’s just here in the U.S. That probably sounds like a lot of units moved, and you’re right. It is a lot of fucking units moved. To put it in perspective with the sales of some awesome albums that came out this week…

• Megadeth’s Endgame, which everyone seems to universally agree is the band’s best offering in well over a decade, sold 44,696 copies in its fist week. FFDP will nearly match that.
• Porcupine Tree’s The Incident sold 17,574 in its first week, less than half of what FFDP will do.
• FFDP will sell three times or more albums than Shadows Fall, The Black Dahlia Murder or Every Time I Die did with their respective new releases.
• War is the Answer will sell approximately FOURTEEN TIMES AS MANY RECORDS in their first week as Living Colour did with The Chair in the Doorway or Dying Fetus did with Descend into Depravity.

Now, even if you hate every band I just mentioned, there’s really no denying that they all have one thing in common:

THEY’RE ALL BETTER THAN FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH.

I know taste is subjective, but I won’t debate this with anyone. If I told you that I was going to lock you in a room for the rest of your life with only one CD to listen to, and your choices were only the albums that have been referenced in this article, and you told me, in all seriousness, that War is the Answer was your choice, well, I would judge you. Harshly. We probably couldn’t even be friends anymore (assuming we were friends in the first place). Because I’d rather listen to Korn, Atreyu, or even Waking the fucking Cadaver than these dipshits. I’d rather make out with Dino Cazares. I don’t know if I’d rather listen to Attack Attack!… I guess it would be a coin toss. Or, in an ideal world, there’d be a gun nearby so I could just eat lead.

Obviously FFDP’s “music” is more commercial than some of these other bands (Dying Fetus, BDM, etc.), so there’s that. Still, this band has to be one of the worst things to happen to metal since Limp Bizkit. Besides The Devil Wears Prada, I’m hard pressed to think of another modern metal outfit who are so overtly ridiculous and completely lacking in any kind of vision that have still managed to become so popular. This band’s isn’t just a shitstain on the ass of the universe; they’re a shitstain on whatever exists beyond that universe that we can’t even comprehend.

In fact, this is the last time I’m going to write about these wastes of sperm, egg, oxygen, food and water. I might make an exception if, say, the bass player rapes the drummer some day or whatever, and of course I can’t tell Vince what to do, but I’m done. I’m out. I don’t want to be even peripherally responsible for ever making anyone aware of this band again. If ever there was proof that the human race deserves whatever species-ending catastrophe we have coming, the popularity of this record is it. 2012 can’t come soon enough.

Fuck my ears for ever having heard this garbage. I wish I’d been born deaf.

-AR