WE TOLD YOU MONKEYS LIKE METAL

We are often asked how we train the MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys, and the answer is surprisingly simple: we just play them metal. That’s one of the key reasons we selected monkeys to do our bidding. Yes, they like to throw poop, but they are excellent typists and just fucking love metal.

And now a scientific study at the University of Wisconsin confirms this little fact (about monkeys liking metal, not them being excellent typists). Satan Rosenbloom just showed us this story about the study, which found that monkeys prefer metal to classical, jazz, and even a certain classic rock giant:

Scientists played a selection of music to a group of cotton-top tamarin monkeys but the only tunes that got a reaction were from the heavy metal band Metallica. They were seemingly disinterested in Led Zeppelin, Miles Davis and Bach, but after the dulcet tones of Master of Puppets by Metallica was played the tamarins calmed down.

“Monkeys interpret rising and falling tones differently than humans. Oddly, their only response to several samples of human music was a calming response to the heavy-metal band Metallica,” said Professor Charles Snowdon, from the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

Rather than making them agitated or aggressive, the heavy metal tracks had a soothing effect.

The best thing about tamarin monkeys? They already look like they’re wearing corpse paint.

So the next time some douche calls you a stupid simian for enjoying mosh pits, point out that if you were a simian, the metal would make you calmer, not more excitable. Ya heard?

-AR