IT’S LIKE A MILLION TINY VIBRATORS BETWEEN YOUR LEGS: A TRIBUTE TO THE BEARD

Lately I have been in close contact with some of the most epic beards I have ever seen in my life. Until now, I never put much thought into the beard.  Its around the scene I associate myself with, but that has been the extent of my true exposure and understanding of the facial shrub. If I can’t grow one, why the fuck would I care? I’m a selfish bitch. Well, I believe I’ve finally found a reason. As a matter of fact, I found many fucking reasons to say this: I FUCKING LOVE BEARDS. YES.

Frequenting metal shows over the years has shown me many different types of metal-heads. The crusty guy who has totally wore the same shirt to every metal show he has ever been too since he was 14, and still hasn’t washed it. The really hot metal dude who KNOWS he’s being eye-fucked by all the chicks in the room, and uses the shit out of it to get laid. He is also a giant tool.  The very large, racist, stinky and fat-to-serious-point-of-health-risks dude, who drinks way too much and wants to start a pit in the bathroom, or anywhere else awkward and unforgiving. The young dude whose super fucked up because he drank in the parking lot and can’t handle himself in the pit. Often pukes and get kicked out. The “normal” dude who looks like he just stepped out of a J. Crew catalog, but will surprise you with his vast array of metal-knowledge, some of which is news even to you. Completely unsuspecting and will most-likely be with typical-looking metal dudes. And finally, the bearded dudes. These dudes are, most of the time, the fucking sweetest guys in the place. They can fall into any one of the above categories; the only difference is the amazing patch of hair follicles draping their face. They know how to have a good time, they do their thing, and they understand what going to shows is all about. In my experience, the bigger and more intense the beard, the nicer the dude tends to be. I once got unnecessarily tanked at a show and spilled my shot of Jager on a bearded gentleman’s pants and shoes. Instead of him a) trying to get into my trousers because I was obviously blackout, b) yelling at me for being an ass-hat, or c) dumping his beer on me to return the favor, the motherfucker bought me another shot and found me a seat to sit down so I could enjoy the rest of the show. His beard was also comparable to that which is currently on Reverend Willie G’s face. He was pretty much the male equivalent of Mother Theresa.  If it didn’t feel like my face was on backwards and the music was coming out of my nose at that point, I would have blown the shit outta that guy.

It almost seems like the longer a man grows and maintains his beard, the more humble, cultured, and METAL he becomes. Like his beard can hold libraries of information, along with old pieces of food and the occasional stench of whom-ever he was recently going down on. Either way, I am truly convinced the beard still possesses powers we have yet to tap into. Like, if we get Troy Sanders, Kerry King, and J. Costa (I’ve felt his beard, and it feels like a puppy wrapped in rainbows) to braid their beards together, I think we might find the key to curing cancer. When I picture this happening, light and fucking, wind just start shooting out all over the place while cats and trees are uprooted and smash into walls and shit. I don’t know where that came from but someone should take the time to make my fantasy into a YouTube video. Just sayin’….

Another thing I think is totally fucking rad about beards is that some don’t need to be trimmed. If I ever let any part of my body go without “trimming”, shit gets out of control, and not in a good way. I admire those men who don’t trim their beard. I’m sure that shit itches more then a new case of the clap. You can hide things in those beards. You can loose things in those beards. Shit, your beard can double as a napkin or paper towel when you’re out to dinner. It’s a natural bib. The dead ends on the beard just absorb all the crap rolling off your face and keep it there, free from touching your sweet new Suffocation t-shirt, and jeans with the giant hole in the ass-area that you won’t stop wearing because you’re just not the kind of guy who would be caught dead at the mall. Untrimmed beards are truly a wonder of nature.  Shorter, groomed beards, however, seem to have a much higher level of “attractiveness” to most of the beard-adoring population. It’s not necessarily my personal opinion, but that’s just how the world works. They are more aesthetically pleasing, lets say. I think it would be quite hard to keep a giant patch of hair on my face perfectly groomed and symmetrical all the time. What’s worse is that those shorter bearded men have to take all kinds of razors to their face in weird positions to get the desired style perfected. FUCK THAT. Sharp shit next to me, especially my fucking FACE is out of the question. Bad news bears. So I’ve really got to give mad props to those guys who sacrifice slicing their flesh up like deli meat on a daily basis to make sure we all know the true potential of their beard. Kudos, short beard guys.

Beards also have the ability to be styled. Styled beards are mind-blowing and KICK-ASS. This years World Beard Champion had his styled like a god damn snow-shoe. Not like the stupid ones we have these days that look like glorified rain boots, but the original snow-shoe. The ones that look like tennis racquets. Here, look if you don’t believe me:

OH YES. Insta-boner. Hottest part about the whole thing is that the winner here, David Traver, said he would gladly shave off and donate his styled beard to charity, thus proving my point that the longer the beard, the bigger the heart (and ONLY the heart… trust me). A fucking snow-shoe…

So, what’s not to love about beards? Some woman would argue that there is a level of “scratchiness” when a bearded dude is kissing you or partaking in a little motorboat action. To this I say, hogwash! It’s quite stimulating, believe it or not. Shit, it’s like having a feather tickler right on the face. How can that be anything but totally awesome? You get a whole other sensation while a bearded man is pleasuring you. If you’re a chick and you’ve never had the opportunity to be eaten alive by a man with a beard, you need to find a way to change that. There are alot of summer tours going on right now, so get out there and troll for some dong. Just make sure they have facial hair, otherwise your just being a hussy.

Listen: to all of you beard haters, you can suck a nut. You have no idea what you’re missing out on. Whether you’re a dude who hates beards or a chick, you’re all ignorant, ill-informed, have no taste, suck at playing pool, and are total Nazis. And don’t have any friends, because everyone hates people who hate beards. It’s a very confusing yet true fact. I swears.

Beards make the world go round. Soft and supple or wiry and stiff, your beardage aids in making the world a better place. This is to you, bearded men! High-five. Keep it bushy, and keep it metal.

-AG