OUR BEST CONTEST EVER, PART 2: FINALISTS TO TAKE OVER METALSUCKS FOR A DAY!

Alright, kiddies. Sorry for the delay – there were so many good entries it took us a couple of extra days to narrow the field. After the jump, we’ve selected ten finalists for our best contest ever: take over MetalSucks for a day. Now it’s time for you guys to vote and decide who should win. Whomever gets the most votes gets to run MetalSucks for the entire day on Friday, August 28. In case you’ve forgotten the rules, you can read them here. On little change: this poll will now remain open until midnight EST on Monday, August 24.

Have at it! Read the finalists’ entries after the jump.

-Axl & Vince

ENTRY 1) “Kill All”:

You douche biscuits suck because you’re going to let some basement-dwelling troll run the website for a day so you guys can have an uninterrupted 24 hour period to beat you personal recorded of masturbating 34 times in one day and I’m going to see nothing about the funny side of metal or get to watch anything related to ripping on scene kids, black metal fans or metallica. *sad face*

plus, a day without Jews is just a sad day
.i think you should make the winner of the contest take on a Jewish name. I know I would.

whoever wins this shit eating contest is going to spill the same regurgitated bullshit about how horrible core music is (like that doesn’t happen enough on here already), praise a list of doom/black/or other such bands that will eventually make the community fall asleep or commit suicide, talk about how great *insert band name here* is and why we should all listen to it
.actually, that won’t be any different from the way it’s ran already, I’m just guessing the bands are going to suck harder or be even more unbearable than the typical shitty selections.

the picture to go with this post sucks as bad as BrokenCYDE or a shop-vac on the wrong side of my business.

Dallas is a punk, Eyal is a bitch, Axl sucks cocks for buds, Vince is a card-carrying member of NAMBLA, Ziltoid is convinced he’s a 15 year old transvestite from Harlem, and I’m perpetually stuck to this website like a fucking parasite because I’m almost intrigued by the amount of shit-talking done on this site, and I don’t have a life.

I guarantee this contest could turn out to be the most suck-tastic thing ever on this site. how high were you assholes when you decided this would be a good idea?

I fucking hate you all

ENTRY 2) “Malacoda”:

1. There is an inexcusable lack of coverage on old-school death bands like Obituary and Morbid Angel.
2. Similarly, there is far too much coverage of popular “meh” bands like Chimaira, Winds of Plague, iwrestledabearonce, etc. etc. etc.
3. Also, Gary Suarez needs a far more prominent role on the site. He’s promoted a lot of really really good underground bands that need to get out there and be featured.
4. About the contests: they’re good, but recently they’ve gotten a LOT worse, both in regularity and in quality. I used to enter the Unreadable Logo Contest every week, but I don’t even want the prizes. Besides that, they’re so irregularly placed that I don’t know if I’ll receive a prize tomorrow or next year. Likewise with the Caption Contests, though those are a bit more regular. Seriously, though? 3 pictures of that Asian fellow, possibly continuing until someone like yours truly sends in anything funnier? You guys are really stretching, and for Oceano CD’s? No. Just no.
5. Reviews should be more in-depth. The reviews you and the writers typically write aren’t very long, and don’t go into enough detail to really describe the music.
6. Contradictions. Your first post about Winds of Plague called them “generic deathcore”, and now you’ve got nothing but praise for them.
7. Some bands are mentioned in passing that really should be mentioned more, like Animosity, Nile, and Jesu.
8. Then there are the bands you guys just don’t cover whatsoever, like All Shall Perish, and Nevermore.
9. TALK ABOUT BLOTTED SCIENCE/ROB JARZOMBEK ALREADY!!!!!!!! Deserves a separate post.
10. You guys would be better off only posting lists that you make. I don’t need to know that the only true metal band Yahoo has heard is Meshuggah.
11. More concert reviews. I know you guys go to a lot of them, and I want to know if any of the bands are playing badly, or if a vocalist has a cold before I spend my cash on shows.
12. More Devin Townsend coverage. More. More.
13. Less Blabbermouth ripping, more SMN News ripping. They can has personalities.
14. There’s a chance Ziltoid may win.
15. Oh, and you guys really really really need to do something about that advertising.

ENTRY 3) “bearwizard”:

You guys suck because you are always hawking shitty melodeath and meshuggah clone bands to your readers, and still somehow manage to keep thousands of regular visitors. If only you would stop fucking around with silly bands that you claim to bring something to the table, exaggerating tame exchanges in the press between metal celebrities trying make it seem like the day to day shit that happens in the world of metal is actually interesting, inbreeding with Metal Injection, and worshiping other blogs that are far tr00er (ie Metal Inquisition, Invisible Oranges) trying make it seem like you guys actually know shit about real metal and not the newest bullshit trend (ie metalcore etc, sumeriancore).
I’m sorry, that turned out to be a harsh criticism.
Also, you robbed me of my tr00, somehow you sold Lamb of God well enough for me to start liking them

ENTRY 4) “d e v o n”:

Oooh, look at me, I’m MetalSucks! I steal all my news from Blabbermouth and then link to the St Petersburg Times so it looks like I did the legwork work mah-self! My contributors scoured the Metal Sludge message boards for cutesy hair-metal handles and threw “-berg” on the end so no one would notice! I “broke” the story about Cannibal Corpse’s guitarist becoming an Arizona golf pro last May, but acted like you hadn’t read the news back in 2006! I only write about bands with shitty deathcore breakdowns and Baroness artwork, and when I take the day off I make ya feel like I’m doing YOU a favor! Wheeeeee!

ENTRY 5) “b-rad”:

Well, determining why you suck is quite the task. I mean, what does one base this opinion on? On the fact that reviews written about upcoming albums rarely have any positive statements and you pretty much hate everything that isn’t old school thrash or stoner rock? Because you just like to dig up dirt on bands that no one really gives a rat’s ass about only to fuel fires and debates on this site between toothless hillbillies and the musical elitists? Should I say it’s because you are not nearly as funny as you think you are? [You do realize that being Jewish does not automatically make you a comedian, right? Just like being black doesn’t mean you are genetically bred to be a rapper.] Speaking of which, Madonna’s arms are creepy and I am convinced that she is where boners go to die. Even Guy Ritchie described their sex life as ‘like fucking gristle’. Anyway, is it because you smoke yourselves stupid? Is it because Axl’s beard looks like my grandmother’s crotch? Perhaps it’s how you blabber on and on about boring doomy, droning music that makes me want to throw my belt over the curtain rod? [that’s right, a faith no more reference]. All things considered, not everything that I have listed is a bad thing. I am all for letting the world know when a band sucks and drama is always fun to talk about and just sit back and watch the fit hit the shan.

I wouldn’t say that you ‘suck’ as much as I would simply state that you are all about as useless as foreskin. Metalsucks = the turtleneck on Satan’s cock.

ENTRY 6) “thrAshley”:

You suck because you actually opened a discussion up for the haterade mafia to tell you why you suck. Talk about masochistic.

ENTRY 7) “Sean Pulatie”:

Top Ten Reasons MetalSucks sucks:

1. You run a metal “news” site called MetalSucks that is primarily devoted to the bashing of what few decent bands are still keeping metal alive.

2. You can’t go a day without bashing Metallica. Seriously, guys. Let’s see you put together one of the most influential bands of the last twenty years and still be rocking in your mid-40s. Fuck, if I’m still breathing by the time I’m 46, I’ll be happy.

3. You have somehow managed to collect a fucking HORDE of followers who can’t stop telling you how terrible the site is, or how much they hate all the bands you listen to, yet they can’t stop coming to MS. I should know – I’m just as guilty of this as anyone.

4. Your job is to get stoned and listen to metal all day. I fucking hate you.

5. The “Ads By Google” on your site never have ANYTHING to do with metal. For example, today’s include a writing contest to win “a girl’s getaway to NYC”, a link for the Editorial Freelancers Association, and 2 ads for book publishers.

6. My beard is more metal than this site. While not epic like Justin Foley’s or that guy from Protest The Hero, it is pretty fucking metal, and
is far more metal than anything posted on this site.

7. You were either too clever or too chickenshit to attach your own names to the site, so you cleverly took some commonly known metal names and made them Jewish. Wow. I bet that took all of two joints and ten minutes to come up with.

8. My wife just said you suck, and she’s the most metal person I know. She’s German, stubborn, and kicks ass.

9. You’re promoting a contest to run your site for a day, which involves getting stoned and bitching about metal. You lazy fucking bastards.

10. The “funny caption for the picture” contests. The winners are really never that funny. I’ve had bowel movements that have a better sense of humor.

ENTRY 8) “I Hate Ziltoid aka Nacho Cheese Doritos”:

This is the worst site ever because you still allow Ziltoid to post. Motherfucker should have been banned 3 months ago.

ENTRY 9) “Ziltoid”:

How interesting this is…

For starters:

1) This site had an extreme infatuation with Chimaira’s new album for quite some time. You guys caressed it, fondled it, and then told us how BRUTAL and GROOVY it was. Needless to say, after it’s release, and after those with good taste realize that it was a heaping pile of shit worse than their other heaping piles of shit, you’ve all seemed to ignore it’s very existence, sort of like how parents ignore the ginger kid in the family. Nobody likes gingers, and nobody should like Chimaira.

2) Lists. All of them. ALL OF YOUR FUCKING LISTS! Granted, I got much amusement out of the top 21 list, but that was because that was arguably the worst list anyone has ever seen. And don’t hide behind the fact that “Oh, we just polled other people–it’s their votes.” No. You chose the panel of voters, and thus you influenced the results by not taking at least a balanced sample. With the exception of Kim Kelly and maybe a few others, the list was voted upon by people who have nothing to do with good music. Also, the mere existence of the list has led to me posting here. That should really be enough for most people here to think you suck. But the other random lists from other websites that you post here are stupid as well. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YAHOO MUSIC THINKS ARE THE BEST METAL BANDS! That is not news, or even worthy of being read. Can you all make a list of my best quotes and post them? I’d love to see that…

3) The logo contest. Ok, nice job with the last logo. After much pleading and pestering, we finally got the one logo we desire so much. But you guys are inconsistent with updating it. It’s like feeding a baby once, then forgetting about it for a month, then trying to feed it again only to realize that it’s dead. Oh well, good thing Dino loves to eat dead babies. Also, the prizes suck. NOBODY WANTS AN OCEANO CD! Hell, there’s even a bunch of people in the comments section saying how much they don’t want the album. The same can be said for the caption contest, although those results are usually unfunny, but the prizes always suck just as much. Also, did we really need to see that fucked up Asian kid for two straight times? If anything, the existence of beings like that just prove that natural selection isn’t really doing its job.

4) Videos. You either post OLD AS FUCK videos that aren’t really funny anymore, or shitty videos (LOL ZAC EFRON JOINS SLIPKNOT) that shouldn’t be watched anyway. And I’m including those fucking MASH UPS too! THOSE WERE A DISGRACE TO MUSIC! You guys just seem to have gotten lazy when you spent most of your posts with those awful things for a week or two. Fuck, I’d rather read “genius” Youtube and Bmouth comments all day than hear those again.

5) Black metal. If you’re going to make jokes about it/its fans, at least make them funny. Most of the time it’s “LOLZ IN A BASEMENT, GRIM, TR00, HAR DE HAR HAR, SCANDINAVIA, OH U JUST H8 THINGS THAT HAVE MORE THAN 3 FANS!” That joke is both old and unfunny. Really now, there are so many ways to make fun of black metal’s over-the-top aesthetic. Fuck, for the most part they’re men in their 30s wearing makeup and running around thinking that they’re going to “crush the Church” or some stuff like that. That sounds like someone who would be in an insane asylum, or at least someone you’d think would be a pedo (male, 30s, face paint…yeah).

6) The Jewishness. Whether or not you’re really Jews, I don’t care. The whole “LOLZ JOOS” thing isn’t really funny., especially the name Anton Oyvey. Accountants everywhere should be ashamed at you…

7) Not enough DIno Cazares jokes.

8) Considering that you guys seem to be the “basement dwelling, blogger” types, I’m surprised that you don’t promote more underground bands that basement dwellers like yourselves usually like.

9) You haven’t posted this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ8ViYIeH04

10) HUR HUR, IT FUNNY TO LAUGH AT METALLICA! Then you go and promote Winds of Plague. Enough said.

11) You basically rip off most of your stories from Blabbermouth or Metal Injection. Stealin’ ain’t cool, yo.

12) Of all the people to have write a column, you choose Dallas Coyle? And almost immediately after, you start praising God Forbid (another boring, generic band) like there’s no tomorrow? Crap band, and for the most part, a crap column. Frankly, I’ve molded my own crap into both a band and a column, and like it better than GF or Dallas’s writing.

13) Not enough of a balance amongst the bands you post about. Too much -core other tame metal, and not enough death, black, doom, power, folk, anything really. If I want crap, I’ll make it myself.

14) The fact that basically nobody would understand something as great as this: http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d142/wEEman33/ghoulsdinocomic.png

15) The fact that I won’t win this contest because nobody will vote for me running this site for a day. I know you all fear me…I know…

ENTRY 10) “\m/Eluveitie\m/”:

You guys definitely don’t suck, I love each and every post and hang on
all your words like a lovestruck teenager. While I would consider it an
honor to run this fine institution for a day, and I would pour all my
heart and soul into the endeavor, at the same time I feel it would be
downright criminal to take the position away from the gods-among-men that
call the MetalSucks Mansion home. God bless you MetalSucks, forever I will
worship at your shimmering altar of supreme goodnes. Hallowed be thy
name.