MARILYN MANSON: ANTI-BLOG SUPERSTAR

A tweet from The Syndicate alerted me to this story about the recent re-launch of Buddyhead.com, “the original snarky music website.” Seems that Buddyhead founder Travis Keller made some off-the-cuff comments about Manson’s fashion sense (or lack thereof). Manson, in turn, decided to take the high road but issuing an open challenge to bloggers everywhere:

I can, but do not need to defend myself And the absurd accusations that the average press has clinged onto. If we need a nude photo of me to prove that I am far different than the soon-to-be-murdered-in-their-home press has decided to fabricate, that is easy. But if one more “journalist” makes a cavalier statement about me and my band, I will personally or with my fans help, greet them at their home and discover just how much they believe in their freedom of speech. I dare you all to write one more thing that you won’t say to my face. Because I will make you say it. In that manner. That is a threat. Mm

I’m trying to visualize a scenario in which Marilyn Manson actually acquires my home address, achieves a mental state that’s close enough to sobriety to allow him to successfully type it into Google and print out the directions, and then makes it all the way over here without getting distracted and sucking off a vagrant along the way. He rings the doorbell, I open the door, and he says “I’m Marilyn Manson and I don’t like what you’ve been saying about me on the internet.” Now let’s pause it right here. What does he think the reaction to that is going to be? Does he seriously think anyone over the age of two would be afraid at this point? And what is he going to do exactly to “make me say it,” slap me? And why would he think he even has to make me in the first place, when I’d be more than happy to voluntarily tell him he’s a hack?On the other hand, am I seriously supposed to be afraid of anyone who would openly admit to being a Marilyn Manson fan, much less anyone who would blindly take orders from a washed up, middle aged poser in clown makeup?

To be fair, I’ve never said any of these things to Manson’s face, and I’d guess most of his other critics never have, either. That’s mainly because I don’t know him personally, and therefore do not tend to find myself in situations where I would say things to him like “Hey Marilyn Manson, did you see any movies this weekend?” or “Hey Marilyn Manson, can you pass the Tabasco sauce?” So, as a result of not being in such situations, I also lack the opportunity to say “Hey Marilyn Manson, what in the goddamned hell is wrong with you?” Of course, if it makes him feel better to think that I do have the opportunity but instead choose to cower in fear behind my computer because I’m afraid he’ll murder me to death, then, well, okay. Whatever. Here in America, you’re free to do that too.

Hey Marilyn Manson, since you’re reading this right now and probably cutting yourself, why don’t you shoot me an email and we can go have some coffee (your treat) while I explain to you, in painstaking detail, exactly why you are irrelevant and your fans are retards. Of course, I’ll be wearing a hat, sunglasses and fake mustache so as to avoid the possibility of anyone I know seeing me talking to you, but I’ll totally do it. Ball’s in your court, dude. Either put up or shut up (preferably the latter).

There isn’t much more to say about this, except: Dear Mr. Manson. I am a snarky blogger who has said some not so nice things about you in the past (I’ve also said some nice things, but whatever). I will be at the Mayhem show in Camden next week. Please come find me and beat me up. I’m 99.9% certain I can sue you if you do, and I could really use the money. Thanks!

-AR