HOW THE F*CK IS UNCLE KRACKER NOT IN PRISON RIGHT NOW?

I just got a press release that Kid Rock’s boyfriend, Uncle Kracker, has a new album coming out in the fall. To which I can only say: shouldn’t this douche bag be getting raped in prison right about now?

That’s not a judgement on Kracker’s music. I mean, his music sucks, don’t get me wrong. I’m just saying that I quite literally thought the dude was going to jail.

See, if you don’t recall, back in August of ’07, Kracker (né Matthew Shafer) was arrested or a second-degree forcible sex offense charge. Which is just a fancy lawmakers’ term for “rape.”

Making the situation even funnier (funny in the “fuck Uncle Kracker sense,” not in the “rape is funny” sense) is that when The Associated Press tried to reach Kracker’s manager for comment, they found that they were unable to – because the manager’s phone was disconnected.

All of which would suggest that Kracker should be sitting in prison right about now, waiting for his daily ass-pounding.

BUT NO! The dude got off or cut a deal or had Kid Rock come in and save the day or whatever. And now he has a new album coming out, which, no doubt, many, many stupid red necks, well versed in the art of “There is no such thing as rape, only surprise sex”* themselves, will purchase. Fucking weak, dude.

And the moral of the story is: it sucks to be Tripp Eisen.

-AR

*That joke comes courtest of MS Maniac Josh Gonzalez. If you found it tasteless, take it up with him. If you found it hilarious, take it up with him.