LESSONS IN FASHION, AS TAUGHT BY MOTIONLESS IN WHITE

Ever since discovering yesterday’s Shitstain subject matter Motionless In White, I’ve been borderline obsessed; I’ve watched the music video at least three times, as well as the video of their counterparts in suckitude, Attack Attack!. I’m fascinated; I just can’t get enough! There’s so much to be astounded and baffled by, and ENDLESS material to make fun of. Both videos have been making the Interwebs LOLz rounds rapidly. So I thought we’d take a look at the fine fashion sported by Motionless In White.

• Side-swooped haircuts: Here’s a tip guys, take back all the hours of your lives you’ve spent flat-ironing your hair and try writing some original music.

• Sleeve-tats: these are the corporate suits and ties of the emo community. Keep thinking it makes you stand out from the pack, guys!
• Black straight-jacket and gloves: Marilyn Manson made this cool in 1996. You were 5 years old then.
• Neck-tats: welcome to the world of being unemployable after your generic brand of music is no longer the “it” thing to 14-year-olds.
• Lip piercings: \m/
• Generic silver jewelry: chicks dig it.
• White belts: ironic, yo.
• The singer: what is up with THIS dude? Where to even begin? How about the douchetarded haircut? What’s up with the peis sideburn? Is this dude Jewish? Is he Davey Havok’s younger brother?
• “Sold at Hot Topic:” It’s as if they’re saying “If you want to dress like us, shop at Hot Topic!”

Suburban youth of America, are you taking notes?

-VN