OH, JUST BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS (PART 1)

After the jump you can watch the video for a song called – I shit you fucking not – “Death Dies Hard.” But first, some contextualization.

I saw the video on that blog no one can believe still exists, which even my RSS reader seemed surprised to learn had a new update. The video was accompanied by a piece of text written by someone named Whiplasher Bernadotte. At least I think that Whiplasher Bernadotte is this person’s name; the name appears in the headline, but the way it was written – “Whiplasher Bernadotte talks about Night Electric Night” – I just thought that the band’s name was Whiplash and that the writer’s name was Bernadotte. Because the article provides no byline, no mention of the band’s name, no tags, no link to a web site or MySpace page or whatever. Y’know, none of the information someone might use to easily track down the band. Luckily, the video will also run on that show no one can believe still exists the next time it airs at 2 a.m. ‘Cause MTV has gotten that good at promoting metal. (Turns out that the band is called Deathstars, by the way. I know ’cause I did a search on the song title.)

So anyway, I’m fairly certain Whiplasher Bernadotte is a dude dressed as a woman, or otherwise just the single fucking ugliest chick I have seen this year (And I live in New York. We got a lot of beautiful women here, but let’s be real, not everyone can make summer clothes work.). Here’s an excerpt from said text:

I mean, of corpse, we make Hell look like f*cking sex-add. I have grown to understand that. We are Ms Rocktober in Satan’s favourite porno-mag, and if I may say I think Mother Mary get’s off to us as well. (I guess that’s why girls call us the Backstreet Boys from Hell. Or is it just our perfect features?)

Already, so I have no idea what the fuck Bernadotte is talking about, but keep reading anyway ’cause here’s the best part:

Our personal problems, weaknesses and narcissism combined with our fascination for 80’s pop as well as very dark heavy rock resulted in this little piece of music. As an example: The first song I loved was Kylie Minogue “The Locomotion”, and that in contrast to what I’ve been really into while growing up, which is rock of all kinds and black metal of course, was a pretty good formula for what we call Deathglam. Combine the ivory loins of pop with the metallic***k of rock. It’s a sensual mixture, somewhat depraved and utterly destructive in its dark aspects – but never the less – sensual. At least I think.

Deathglam, folks. Now, I think we can all agree that this is worse than deathcore. And I say that as someone who enjoys death and glam.

Okay, here’s the video. Keep in mind that what you are about to see is not Marilyn Manson, is not The Murderdolls, is not that weird version of Faster Pussycat where the double “s” in “Pussycat” was written as an SS logo, and is not Orgy. In fact, it makes fucking Orgy look like Metallica. When Cliff Burton was still alive.